what a freaking year.

A year ago I was in a bad place.  A dark place.  Finding it hard to see the light.  We were battling IF, we didn't know what we were dealing with.  I was trying to find hope but everywhere I turned things seemed to be falling apart.  Work was changing and sucked.  I felt unappreciated.  Every test was a BFN. My LP was short.  Even when we did everything right, we still couldn't get pregnant.  I shut down.  I didn't want to see people.  I cried at the drop of a hat.  I hope I never go back there again.

Jump to this NYE.  We are SO blessed.  Close to 27 weeks pregnant with twins.  A boy and a girl.  All that we could ever ask for.  A marriage that is STRONGER because of the trials we faced.  A husband I appreciate more and forgive any flaws because he is so strong and amazing and I would have fallen off the cliff if it wasn't for him this last year.  And not just through the IF- through all of that, my surgery, and now all the ups, downs, cravings, aches, worries-- you name it.  He's there.  Being kind and caring, supporting me; supporting each other.  And I know it's going to get harder before it gets better.  But MAN am I lucky.  With friends and family supporting us.  Could. Not. Be. More. Blessed.

So, may 2011 bring healthy babies, sleep by July, and may the challenges and stress once again bring us closer.  Here's to the coming best year so far!

okay, yes. I'm a slacker.

It's been a busy couple of weeks with the holiday and I have managed to not blog the last two weeks. Going to back-date some posts now...

26 weeks

What a week!  The contractions continued-- some days they'd happen a lot, and some days I would just get one.  Either way, they were freaking us out, as we were still deciding what we were going to do about traveling to see Mr. M's extended family for Christmas.  I called the office on Tuesday morning and was able to get them to work me in to just be checked since I had to come in for my GD test anyway on Wednesday.  I went in for the appointment, got my blood drawn, spent 20 minutes on the monitor (but not on babies-- they only have a singleton monitor) where I had no contractions, and got an internal check, where they assured me everything was fine.  I'm not crying wolf, I swear!  They were all really sweet about it-- I think a 10 hour drive makes sense to get checked out before. 

With that we decided to go ahead and drive.  After work on the 23rd (thank goodness I was working at home!) we packed, ran over to my parents' for an abbreviated Christmas celebration (bummer!) and left by 8:30 to get a start on the drive.  We stopped around 11, stayed in a hotel, and finished the drive on the 24th.  We had a great time with Mr. M's family, and they threw us a beautiful shower!  We are so very blessed to have such caring, kind and generous family and friends.

Overall, babies did well with the trip.  I had some contractions- more when I was pushing it, but I was able to sit/lay down when I needed to which was wonderful.  I did end up with some major swelling when I did too much on Christmas day, but I've gotten it under better control.  I finally am getting more kicks from B (yay!) but both babies made it hard to have my MIL and SILs feel them.  My MIL did get a kick, and from A, and one of my SILs was able to feel an elbow (or knee? we think?) near my belly button. :) It's amazing how much bigger they're getting.

Merry Christmas, sweet babies!  Can't wait to celebrate with you on the outside next year :)

25 weeks!

What a busy week.  Full of.... contractions!  Still trying to figure out if we're going to travel for the holidays, and the stress is getting to me.  I'm not flying- that we've decided for sure. 

We spent this weekend doing pre-Christmas celebration.  All of Mr. M's siblings came in town and we spent a lot of time with them opening gifts, eating cookies, and making gingerbread houses.  We also spent some time with my extended family for our Christmas celebration.  It's so wonderful seeing everyone and their excitement over the babies!  I have a feeling we're going to have a crowded house after these kids are born... the good news is it will all be short visits. :)

Work is getting harder-- I'm so ready for a break.  It's going to be nice to not have to work for several days.  I feel bigger and bigger by the minute...

24 weeks means... VIABILITY!

24 is one of those milestones I was waiting and waiting for.  And today it's here!  If babies came today, there would be a chance they would survive (with lots of NICU love).  We hope and pray that they don't get any thoughts of vacating any time soon, but it's nice to know that if they did, there would be a shot at life.

This past week was crazy... I had a lot to do at work Mon-Wed and it seriously wore me out.  This week, I also started getting contractions and swelling... yikes!  It was no more than one contraction per day, and wasn't painful, but I could feel my stomach/uterus tighten up and get hard, and my heart would race.  I had my appointment on Thursday, so they checked my urine for protein, cervix by u/s and internal, and luckily everything is okay.  Braxton Hicks it is. :)  It's a big reminder that I need to sit down, put my feet up and stop running around so much.

Babies looked great in our u/s- still girl/boy, weighing an estimated 1 lb 5 oz and 1 lb 6 oz respectively.  Both had heartbeats in the 150s, and were wiggling around.  We got another great shot of A, and B decided this time to have his legs over his head, so only good 2d profile shots.  Oh well. :)  Those weights are still good, but I have to admit that I haven't been packing the protein as much as I should.  Lately nothing sounds good, and I have to make myself eat.  I know I'm supposed to be really hungry all the time, but I'm just not.  I'm hoping this week I can get back into the habit of breakfast - snack - lunch - snack - dinner. 

This weekend we also accomplished all of our Christmas shopping in 2 hours! lights are up outside, presents are wrapped and Christmas cards are addressed.  This coming week is going to be crazy... between work, Christmas parties and a packed-full weekend I don't know that we'll get much rest. 

23 weeks

One week to viability!  Babies, don't get any ideas.  You'd better stay put for a good 13 weeks, if not more. :)

This week was a busy one, and we finally accomplished several things:

• Finished our registries! I still need to figure out the whole monitor situation, but feeling pretty good about that
• Got cribs that weren't broken! WOOT!
• Put the cribs together.  Well, Mr. M did that, but we have cribs!
• Found material that will work for the curtains. in the form of clearance shower curtains from Target! :)  Now I need blackout fabric and to get to sewing... that may not happen until after Christmas
• Got the bookshelf for the nursery from my parents' house.
• Got more clothes for FREE with Kohls cash and a coupon. I think we're pretty set when it comes to clothes, since I bet we'll get some at our showers and after they're born as well
• Registered for a breastfeeding and childbirth class after people at work convinced me we needed to do that

We also have lots coming up.  Our next appointment is Friday and I CANNOT WAIT!  We've been with the NP the last two times, and I'm ready to see our Dr. again.  That also means I can schedule the rest of our appointments, which will be wonderful.   Next week also starts a mad rush of holiday craziness.  Thank goodness the decorating is done, and Mr. M will put up the lights on TuesdayLuckily this weekend was pretty chill, and next weekend is free too, but this week and next I have busy weeks at work (including an interview...!) and the holidays are going to sneak up on us fast.  I haven't even done my holiday shopping yet! (Due in part to slacker family members who need to send their lists)  Starting in January, I'm going on lockdown.  I'm doing NOTHING.  Today a quick run to Kohl's and the grocery store for the basics was too much for me.  I wear down so easily now.  And it's critical that I relax-- these babies don't need any stress, and my body has to hold out for quite a while longer.  The good news is that last night when I was super worn out (from doing very little) I took my blood pressure, worried about what was going on and it was 102/50.  I can handle that!  Fingers crossed that Friday is a good appointment!

22!

So minus the crib fiasco this past week, things are the same. Working, stress from job change, prepping for babies!  This week also had the Thanksgiving and black friday craziness added to it, but also brought a nice break as we had several days off work.


Let's talk about the cribs... took us forever to pick them, then forever to order them, and they finally showed up on Tuesday.  Mr. M planned to set them up this weekend.  When they showed up, the brought the boxes in the nursery, and while they were kind of dinged up, we didn't notice much.  I went in on Wednesday to look at something else and noticed big gashes on the boxes on the sides facing each other.  One gash was in the shape of a V, so I peeled back that cardboard (box still closed, mind you) and could see a crib rail completely smashed. :(  Two long, annoying calls to BRU later and dealing with majorly incompetent people who lack the ability to offer good customer service, and a call to UPS to schedule the pickup, we thought we had it taken care of.   UPS said to expect pickup on Friday, and BRU said the cribs were on the way.  So Mr. M hauled them back out to the porch again Friday and off we went to shop.  By 5:30, they were still there.  So I called UPS.  Turns out that they got mixed up when I talked to them about their holiday schedule, and now they won't pick them up until Monday. UGH.  Oh, and add to that that nothing has happened with the status of the new cribs ALL WEEKEND LONG.  If these have so much as a dent, I'm demanding a refund+ some kind of credit and ordering from Amazon, who we should have ordered from in the first place.

On the bright side however, we got a Flip and a DSLR on black friday deals, and didn't have to go to the store! Thank you Best Buy online!  We woke up at our leisure that morning and headed out, where we proceeded to buy crazy amounts of baby clothes. :) YAY! So fun!

Thanksgiving was great with my family.  We also got our tree up and all of the inside decorating done!

Really excited that we're getting closer to our next appt on the 10th, and 24 weeks (viability!).

thankful

on this Thanksgiving (and every day, really) I am thankful for:

• an amazing supportive husband who loves and supports me
• these amazing little blessings we've been entrusted with
• when those little blessings kick and let me know they're doing okay 
• that those little blessings are healthy, and for every doctor's appointment where they tell us that again
• a home that is safe, warm, and comfy
• jobs that pay the bills
• that my husband has found his passion and is so darn good at it
• family that is so supportive and generous and already loves our little girl and boy (even if they don't know that they're a girl and boy yet!)
• great friends
• and so much more....

21!

No way are we at 21 weeks!  I know I say that every week, but seriously.  This is unreal.

This week we got bigger kicks, but babies are still evading daddy.  I call Mr. M over every time there is a kicking fit, but the minute he puts his hand on my stomach they quit!!  This morning, I'm pretty sure he felt one, but he said it was so light he wasn't sure.  This week was mostly full of work for both of us, trying to get things done before Thanksgiving.  We're both so ready for it!

This week/weekend we also:

• assembled the dresser for the nursery
• got the crib mattresses
• did some cleaning and changing of the decor for Christmas
• waited with anticipation for the cribs... only to find out they won't be here until this week

Physically I'm feeling quite a bit better-- I think it's because I was able to sit most of last week at work and wasn't standing/moving around as much.  I'm going to try to stick with that as much as possible!  It makes a huge difference.  It will be hard the weeks that I teach, but I'm going to try.  I'm really feeling pregnant and HUGE now (up 20 lbs which was my bogey for this point in the pregnancy-- and they're measuring big which is GREAT, but still...) 

Can't wait for Thanksgiving this week!

20 weeks

Seriously. This seems like a huge benchmark.  It was a crazy week, but it's wonderful to hit the big 2-0!  Even though my halfway was a  week and  a half ago or so, this still seems like a big accomplishment. :) Four more weeks to viability!!

This week I decided that I don't have enough stress in my life :) so I decided to apply for a new job.  My job at work currently changed, so either way change is happening, and I figured I should just go for it.  Staying at the same company.  We'll see how that all goes... It's helped me not sleep so well this week.

In exciting news, while Mr. M was gone at a conference, my mom went marathon baby shopping with me!  We were looking for fabric to make crib skirts and curtains for the nursery.  After several stores, I couldn't look at fabric anymore.  It was so overwhelming!!! Great choices but hard to pick something that was gender neutral and went with the green that is already on the walls. 

After that, we went to BRU so she could look at cribs for her house and I could check out some stuff for the registry.  I ended up adding quite a few things to the registry, and it was a great trip.  While there we looked at bedding trying to find something I liked (I don't want a set- just skirts and sheets) but no luck.  We were exhausted, but my mom suggested we stop by a baby specialty store before heading home just to check it out.  So we did.  And guess what- we found our skirts, and bought an extra one to add a border to curtains. YAY!

Also, my sweet mother deep cleaned my kitchen and steam cleaned the nursery this weekend. SO nice to have that done and not have to clean until I feel like passing out.

This weekend on Mr. M's trip, he also stopped by IKEA and got our dresser.  WOOT!  This week (tomorrow probably) we will order cribs finally, and then we're set for a while. It'll be nice to get that done.

19 week appointment

19 weeks! Big ultrasound! YAY! here are the highlights:

• up 19 lbs. Which is what I'm supposed to be but still. Ugh. that's a lot of weight
• A is a ... GIRL!  B is still a boy!  No way are we having b/g twins!!
• Both babies measure well- A is 10 oz, B is 11oz
• Both babies have all of the body parts they were looking for
• I'm no longer traveling for work

A was pretty chill during the u/s for a change- not wiggling too much, got great pictures.  B was the one who didn't want to cooperate this time.  Then, when we went back for the actual appointment, A was kicking the crap out of the doppler again. :)

A is still kicking all the time, and I definitely feel it.  B is harder to feel, or doesn't move around as much.  I mentioned that at my appt, and they said I would be feeling him more because he's so close to my skin!! The last couple of days, I haven't felt him as much so I've been listening with the doppler, and he's been quieter too... I get the heartbeat and it's a good rate, but it's faint and I can't get it close. Today I got a good listen, so that made me feel better, but still. I wish he would wiggle more! (Talk to me again in a few weeks and I bet I change my story!)

Anyway, all is good.  The nursery is officially cleaned out and this weekend we will steam clean the carpet.  I'm also going with my mom to pick out fabric for the curtains and bedskirts. Mr. M is picking up the dresser and some other needed items as well. Next week, we'll order cribs (we need to have them delivered after we get the carpet done and it's dry.

So much to do!

19 weeks.

This week babies are 6" long and the size of a large tomato.  No freakin way.   I think everything has been a big blur for the last month or so.  I'm very aware that I'm pregnant, what with the shooting back pain, pulled muscle in my inner thigh, and pelvic bone that feels like someone took a hammer to it, but I think we might be in the denial stage of things.

That said, we have made great strides... we picked out cribs and mattresses and pretty much figured out where everything will go in the nursery.  I busted my rear this morning to finish cleaning out the nursery, and my mom is going to help me steam clean the carpet next weekend.  After our u/s tomorrow (where we most importantly hopefully see healthy and happy babies, and maybe even confirm that B is a boy and find out what A is) we'll order furniture for the room.  Mr. M has plans to paint the closet doors over Thanksgiving, and then we should be ready to rock and roll.  There are lots of details left, but that will at least give us the essentials. :)

As usual, I'm a bit nervous about our u/s tomorrow.  It will be great to get to see them, but I'm nervous that we'll be rushed through like last time (where we didn't get our full hour and all the measurements).  I'm getting my full time come hell or high water tomorrow!  I'm also nervous because I have a work trip coming up, and I'm really not sure it's in my or the babies best interest to take 3-hour flights and work 12 hour days to come back to a hotel, let alone haul luggage, etc.  We'll see how tomorrow goes and I'll let the Dr. know what's been going on so we can make the best decision.  The only thing that really matters tomorrow is seeing healthy little babies growing on track. If that's happening, I'm a happy mama!

I've been feeling more fetal movement lately-- in fact both babies are kicking away as I type this right now.  So amazing.  You still can't feel them on the outside, but I'm hoping that happens soon so Mr. M can enjoy this too. I'm sure in lots of ways it's great to be the guy in this situation (see all of the pain mentioned above) but I also think it would suck.  It's such a miracle to have these little lives growing inside of me.  I just love them so much already.  SO very thankful for this blessing!!

My next mental milestone (6 weeks was one, then 12, then 14, then 16... don't ask me why... those are just the "benchmarks" I had in my head) is 20 weeks, soon followed by 24.  I really think I'll feel like I can breathe easier at 24, knowing we've made it to viability.  After that, 36.  I would love to keep these babies in until 38 (as long as the doctor will let me go) but I think 36 marks my "not scary anymore" time.  We want to do anything we can to make that happen.

Lots of stress in our household these last few weeks, and more to come.  We're hoping tomorrow is a happy note that helps wash away some of the stress, and then we're on a mission to make it until Thanksgiving.

18 Weeks

18 weeks! WOW!  That's halfway to 36.  I'd love to make it to 37 or 38, but 36 would be wonderful. I can't believe it's going by so fast. 

This week, I really noticed a growth spurt... I'm up 14 lbs according to our bathroom scale, and trying on clothes this week got a little depressing.  I know I'm not supposed to be fitting in my regular clothes... I mean, this is twins after all!  But still, I've been able to wear some of my regular shirts to this point since most are longer, but this week that all got crossed off of the list of options.  Every shirt is too short.  I wasn't counting on this so soon!  In a panic, I ordered several shirts online from Old Navy in hopes they will last a while.  I really don't want to have to buy a whole new wardrobe.  Also this week I tried on a pair of my sweatpants from last year that were huge on me.  And they were tight.  Like seriously tight all through the waist, hips, ass... you get the picture.  :(

In the last couple of days, I've felt the babies move even more, which is wonderful!  I've been pretty calm through all of this so far, not worrying much about the babies, but my nerves have started to pick up a bit in anticipation of our next appointment and the anatomy scan.  Looking back at some of the u/s pictures from last time, there is one 3D picture of B (and I KNOW full well that 3D ultrasounds will make things look like they're missing/fused/bumpy/etc.) where it looks like he might have three fingers on one hand.  The tech didn't mention it at all at our scan, and I'm sure it's just a weird shot, but it's starting to worry me.  To add to that, we got shortchanged last time b/c they didn't take us back until 30 min. late, so I'm already starting to think about next time.  Our appointment is a week from tomorrow-- it can't come soon enough!

Happy Halloween!!!

17 weeks. And movement!

Today marks 17 weeks. Crazy.  It hit me this week that we're almost halfway!  That's crazy.... and we need to get some stuff done!  This week the crib shopping picked up, and it's harder than I thought to find a crib that we can fit two of in the nursery on the wall I want them on... I thought this would be no big deal... ugh.

This week also marked the start of feeling movement!  The first time I felt it, I was falling back asleep in the middle of the night, and felt that butterfly feeling everyone says movement feels like.  Amazing.  Since then, I've felt what feels like tiny bubbles or popcorn popping.  It's not consistent yet, but I'm glad it's starting. :)

This week I also found out my job is changing.  I have no idea how yet (we're supposed to find out this week), but... ugh.  We waited to start TTC until I found a good position that allowed flexibility and didn't have a super-rigorous schedule... and that my all change.  And my boss (who is great) is applying for another position, so she may be gone too.  It wouldn't normally be this big of a deal, but with the possibility of bedrest, etc. I felt a whole lot better being in a department that knows me and would be willing to be flexible with my situation.  It's not just me-- it's the whole department-- we think they're splitting us up.  That should make for an interesting week.

Trying not to worry about it-- I'm trying to focus on the fact that I will still have a job, and it could be good.  There's nothing I can do about it right now, and the most important news is that we have two little blessings on the way-- that's the most important part.

Trying to have patience!

16 weeks.

Is that unreal to anyone but me?  16 feels like a big number.

This week,

• we saw our babies! again! never gets old. 
• we worked. hard. and a lot.
• we started cleaning out the babies' room... that's quite an endeavor...
• we made our first real baby purchases (two onesies from Old Navy, a baby gate that we will actually use for the dogs

I'm starting to feel big. HUGE, in fact.  And then I remind myself that I have a LONG way to go, so I'd better not freak out yet.  There are stretchmarks involved, people. That's not cool.  And my pre-pregnancy shirts aren't going to last much longer.  

The other fun development is that last night, I started to get a weird pain... the best way I can describe it is that it's a cross between doing the splits too far and sitting on a bicycle seat for too long.  It feels like it's in the tendons/ligaments at the very tops of my inner thighs.  Luckily, it's only when I move certain ways, but it's stuck around all day today.  If it's still here tomorrow, I'm calling the Dr's office.  I also have some back pain, but it's not bad.  Hoping these aren't permanent, because it's going to be a long 20+ more weeks if they are!!

At my Dr's appointment earlier this week, they also told me I would likely feel the babies soon... now every pinch, pull, bump, and flutter makes me wonder if it's a baby moving.  I've decided probably not, but you never know... here's to hoping I can feel them soon.

15 week appt. (10.11.10)

So this past Monday was our 15 week appointment.  We got a little shortchanged on our u/s as it was booked for an hour and we only got a half-hour.  The tech made sure we were booked for a full hour next time for our anatomy scan.

The great news is that both babies look wonderful!  We want to find out the babies' sexes, but won't tell anyone IRL, so when she asked if we would like for her to take a guess, we said YES!  Looks like B is pretty clearly a boy!  A is still unknown-- she said she thinks it may be a girl, but she couldn't get a good view.  We'll see at our next appt.  Cervix is in good position, weight gain is about 11 lbs, and heart rates are good.  Can't wait until our next appointment at 19 weeks!

14 weeks.

Holy crap! We made it to the 2nd trimester!! 

Nausea is starting to get better, but the heartburn is kicking in.  It seems like I'll have a good day and then a bad day.  I've actually thrown up more in the last two weeks than I did the whole rest of the 1st Tri!  I've gotten more of an appetite back, though, and don't have as many aversions.  It's a nice thing. :) My tummy now totally looks like a bump-- so much better than the extra chunky look I've been sporting for the last few weeks. I've also officially given up regular pants, and my tummy thanks me for it. :)

It's really fall now! The temps are cold, and this weekend I swapped out all of my clothes.  A lot got packed away until next year, but I was surprised to realize that a lot of my regular fall and winter clothes will likely get me through most of the fall. YAY!  I kept joking that I would have four things in my closet after I swapped the clothes out, and while I'm down to three pairs of work pants and one pair of jeans, I have a ton of tops and sweaters.  This weekend I also bought my first pair of maternity tights!  I have two maternity dresses, and when I wanted to wear one last week, I realized that I didn't have any tights... I ended up finding up one big pair without control top that worked... barely.  It's amazing how good it feels to have clothes that fit.

This past week we also shared our news with our extended families.  We're now completely "out," other than Facebook.  Our sisters are driving me crazy because they are upset that they can't post on FB about the babies yet, and don't get AT ALL that it's our news to share and we will choose when to share it.  They can tell anyone they want in person; we just don't want that news all over the internet yet.  Anyway, we called our grandparents on Wednesday night, and they were all happy to hear the news.  My dad's parents were the most excited-- these will be their first great grandchildren.  My grandma politely asked if she could tell my aunt, and I told her she could tell whoever she wanted.  News spread through the family pretty quickly after that. ;) So much fun!  We also sent an email sharing our news with Mr. M's family that went on our trip with us.  We got tons of emails back, thrilled to learn there were a couple of stowaways on the trip.

This coming week is a bit crazy... lots of work, Mr.M has a big week with his job as well, and next weekend we're going on a bit of a road trip... we'll see how that goes. :) A week from Monday, we get to see the bambinos again when we go in for our 16 w (15w1d) appointment. Can't wait! We listened to their little heartbeats last night with the doppler-- it's the best sound in the world.  We may even get to find out what we're having!  At our NT scan, the tech guessed that B was a boy, but it was pretty early to tell... I think it will be more real once we know :)

12 weeks. (and then some)

Thanks to a computer on the fritz, this is a little late, but a lot has happened!  Here are the highlights:

• Had an appointment at 11w4 days, and got a unexpected peek at the babies. YAY! Everyone looks great-- it's incredible to see that they look like BABIES now instead of shrimp :)
• Told Mr. M's parents. WONDERFUL!!  Apparently we did a good job of keeping things quiet and discrete on our vacation-- they didn't notice anything was up!
• Told my siblings.  We were going to do all the siblings the same day, but my brother was over at my parents house, and then when you tell one you can't not tell the other... so we did :)
• Went back and forth and back and forth again about the NT scan.  Couldn't make up our minds.  After lots of thought, we decided we wanted to do the u/s but not the bloodwork. (My insurance covered it, and who wouldn't want an extra-long u/s!)  I called to schedule it and they were pretty booked, but there was an opening that afternoon (Tuesday) so we rearranged our afternoons to make it.  Great pics of the babies, everything is right on mark, growing perfectly, arms, legs, fingers, perfect.  The u/s tech said they looked great, and then came right over to do the finger prick for the bloodwork.  It was so fast, I just did it, and Mr. M didn't stop me.  Afterwords we were worried a bit, but in the end we love these little guys already, and will love them no matter what.
• Told Mr. M's siblings. :) SO fun to tell!
• Told work.  I think people are in shock, but it's so nice to be "out."  I'm showing already, and have been having a hard time finding clothes that hide my growing tummy.  To be fair, I wasn't small to begin with, but my Dr. said that moms of twins measure 4-5 weeks ahead, so that makes me like a 16 or 17 week singleton mom.  So the fact that I've sworn off of regular pants is totally legit, right? ;)
• Got a call today from the genetics specialist, and in the end we're glad we did the bloodwork-- 1/10,000 risk (the lowest risk they give on the test) for BOTH babies for all three issues. What a relief!
• Counting the days to the weekend when we can tell more friends! and THIRTEEN weeks! woohoo!!

11 weeks.

11 weeks. Wow.

I thought I would feel so much further along by now!  We have our next appointment this coming Thursday, and I was all excited about it... until I found out that the first trimester testing needs to be done between 11w and 13w6d.  I asked about it at our last appointment, and the NP said that my Dr. would talk to me about it at my next appointment.  I'm not so worried about the bloodwork- that's easy to get done while I'm there, but they don't have an ultrasound scheduled for us. Ugh.  I'm going to try to call tomorrow to see if they can schedule that while I'm there. 

Anyway (trying to move on from that frustration). 

This last week has been good-- nausea calmed down a bit, and I could actually ask Mr. M what he wanted for dinner!  I also managed to cook dinner and eat it a couple of nights last week. That's HUGE!  Unfortunately, it's back in full force today.  But hey, I'll gladly take any break these littles want to give me. :)  Other symptoms are still sticking around, which can be a little annoying, but I'm always glad for the reminders that there are babies growing inside me. :)

That's especially important when we're having shoddy luck with the doppler.  We tried again today, thinking we might get to hear both, but didn't end up finding any heartbeats.  I'm not freaking out, though, because the last few times we've heard the heartbeat on the doppler, it's been further up (not sure if we're just hearing one, or if sometimes we get one and sometimes we get the other).  This is more than I want to really share, but the further up they go, the more they're tucked behind some fat, and that probably makes them a little harder to hear... That's what I'm telling myself anyway.

I'm so ready (and so is Mr. M) to start telling people!  It's getting harder and harder to hide my growing tummy.  I read that with twins, your uterus is the same size as a woman with a singleton 6 weeks ahead.  So that means mine is about the same as a 17-weeker now. That would explain the growing.  Anyway, the plan was after hearing them this coming Thursday, we would tell immediate family, and then other friends and family when I'm 12w4d.  With all of the NT scan stuff not being scheduled, we may change our plan.  We'll have to wait and see how it all pans out. 

Thank God for Mr. M!  He's supportive and wonderful when I feel sick, tired, or cry over my lack of concealing clothing.  He goes to get me the craving of the moment, and picks up the load for me when I don't feel like I can get up.  BEST. HUSBAND. EVER.

Hoping this week brings good news, trying to chill out and rest, and not freak out. :)

heartbeat!

Labor day seems a fitting time to FINALLY FIND A HEARTBEAT WITH THE DOPPLER!!

Yes, I'm crazy.  Yes, I bought a doppler.  What?

It came in the mail when I was 8 weeks-ish, and the first many tries resulted in finding nothing other than my own heartbeat. :(  I know it's been (and still is) on the early end, but I was hoping that with two, and a bigger uterus, maybe they would have moved up enough.  We tried again last week, hoping to hear them before we told my parents, and no luck.

This morning I wake up and feel great.  It's been a long time since that happened!  I worked out, threw in a load of laundry, cooked eggs for breakfast and ate them (!), vacuumed the house, baked cookies... too good to be true... so I figured I would give the doppler another shot.

After a couple of minutes searching, Mr. M came out to join me in the hunt.  And a couple minutes later... WE FOUND ONE!!!!  :)  The doppler isn't super-awesome at locking in on one reading for a heartbeat, but it was 160-ish. :) We searched for a little while longer, and heard what sounded similar to the "fetal movement" sounds I heard online, so that might have been the other one... We'll give it a few more days and try again.

YAY!

10 weeks.

Double digits, baby!  And Labor Day weekend. That's a winning combo!

The weekend got off to a good start, as we told my parents.  We wanted to wait to tell both sets of parents together, but decided to tell mine a little early since:

1. They know about our IF struggles, so they are easily tipped off
2. I swear my mom was starting to really worry and think I was clinically depressed, since every time I talked to her and she asked how I was doing, I told her I was tired and not feeling very well
3. We had plans to spend all day Saturday with them at two sporting events.  The frequent eating, food not sounding good, and bathroom breaks would have tipped them off for sure.

SO, we decided rather than them guess, we would tell them.  And of course, they were thrilled.  My mom said she had known since last weekend because "you looked really happy at lunch."  Okay mom. :) They were funny too as they went through the stages of shock-- the same we did:  first it was "TWINS? Oh my gosh. Wow. Twins!"  Then it moved to "it will be okay.  It will all be fine.  You guys will figure it out."  Then it was finally excitement.  All day yesterday, my mom was wanting to talk about it.  It's killing her that she can't tell anyone.  Especially because my sister was home and with us all day yesterday. :) So cute.  I just kept saying "wait two more weeks and you can talk to whoever you want about it!"

A fun twist too-- when we told them, my mom mentioned that twins run in her family! That's the first I've heard of it!!  She said it crossed her mind when she got pregnant, but since she didn't have them, she never thought one of us would.  I'm relieved to be able to truthfully tell people that they run in my family-- that ought to curb some questions about what we went through to get pregnant, since that's not something I'm ready to share with everyone.  She called my grandpa today (and SWORE he had no idea and that she was totally natural in the conversation... RIGHT.) and confirmed that it's legit-- my great grandma's sisters had fraternal twins.  So there you go.  A surprise a minute, right?

I'm still having nausea and aversions/cravings.  Mr. M is picking up a hot roast beef for me right now.  I thought things were getting better earlier this week, but they're back in full swing.  I'm eating plenty of carbs/dairy and usually enough eggs. I typically fit meat in at dinner and try to at lunch as well.  Still totally grossed out by most veggies. That's not good, I know.  I"m trying.  And hoping that the second trimester brings energy and curbs the aversions to healthy food. :)

9 weeks. ish.

Okay, so I didn't post on Sunday.  But here I am now, and that's what counts, right?

Week 9? Kinda freaking me out a bit. First, the morning sickness has ramped it up. Big time.  Second, my sleep patterns have been better (YEAH!) Still getting up around 3 or 4 for a bathroom run, but can usually fall back asleep.  WOOT. Last night I had a hard time falling asleep though, b/c I felt like I was going to lose what little I ate yesterday.  Oh, and I'm reading this book, which is great and all, since pretty much every other pregnancy book treats twin pregnancy like it's just being a little more pregnant than when you have a singleton, but it's freaking my freak.  I'm supposed to have gained like 10 pounds by now. YIKES.

And to make it all better, work is complicated.  I found out that my boss (who is also a friend that has known about our IF because there was no way to get around the issues and surgery, etc. without letting her know what was going on) is also pregnant. FUN!  But this further complicates the friend-boss relationship.  I think we do a pretty good job at keeping those things separate, but after a conversation today, I kind of think I don't want to talk to her about a lot of this anymore.  It also doesn't help that we go to the same doctor.  I mean some times that's nice but still. Too much personal life-work overlap right now.  Her pregnancy is different than mine.  What worked for her last time and what she wants this time are different than where I'm at.  And my needs and priorities and focus are different, just because of who I am and that my pregnancy is different.  I'm a different person.  And even MORE so because I'm having twins.

Anyway, complicating the work situation is the work travel I had to do last week. I freaking hate traveling for work. Let alone the flight is three hours at least, my co-workers don't know yet, and I feel like crap.  Oh and I have to come up with stupid reasons I'm not drinking. I swear after that trip they know-- one even kind of called me out on it and I blew them off and laughed... but still. I don't think it will be a shock to anyone when I do announce.  OY.

Oh yeah, and Dr. Luke? Clued me in on the fact that I'm more likely to end up on bedrest. BEDREST. YIKES. We can't afford for me to get reduced pay for (the very very worst case scenerio) 24 weeks on.

I'm trying to take this all in stride and look at it this way:  it's good to be informed.  And all of this is information.  And all that I can do is try to do the best I can to: reduce stress, eat when I can to gain weight in a healthy way, and be positive. 

I think all of this comes back, though, to one thing:  I don't want to work.  I'm so over it.  All I have ever wanted in life is to be a SAHM.  And that is SOOO not my reality right now.  Not even "we could swing it if we really cut back;" it's NOT possible.  So there I am.  And when I look at all of this, I get so frustrated, especially because I'm generally frustrated with my job. 

In.a.funk.

oh baby, bab(ies)

I've been freaking out for the last two days... my symptoms all seemed to fade, if not stop. Nausea? gone. Boobs hurting? gone. Face? clearing up.  Last night, I barely slept, worrying about everything.  I decided I had to call and at least try to get in early for my appointment.  (It was set for the 31st- just shy of two weeks from now.)  When I called, I got my favorite nurse, who was super-sweet.  I asked if they even had 5 minutes to squeeze me in.  She asked when my appointment was scheduled for, and I told her.  Her response was "No it's not. We're getting you in today!" Love her.

Mr. M came and picked me up from work-- I was suddenly nauseous and freaking out.  We went back, hoping to just see a little heart beat hanging in there... and saw TWO! IT'S TWINS!!!

I think both of us just paused for a minute and couldn't move. Amazing. Incredible. God answered our prayers so much more than we ever expected. Two blessed babies, measuring 7w1d and 7w3d (I'm 7w4d today, so perfect) and with heartbeats at 154 and 160 (again, perfect).  Thrilling. Shocking. Ohmygod we're going to need two of everything!!  Who cares. What a blessing.

We're shocked and thrilled and everything in between.

Little babies, we prayed for you, and asked God to bless us with just one, and what do you know, he thought we were fit to be parents to two.  Everything we went through was so very very worth it.  And you know how I know it was God? She found the corpeus luteum (?) on the right ovary.  That's right. The side where "endo has attached the tube to the wall and it's kinked shut like a garden hose."  The one "we don't expect to work."  The one "you'll need a specialist to take care of."  Yup.  It's a miracle.  We promise to love and care for you, little ones, like the blessings you are.

Incredible.

7w4d pregnant... with TWINS!

7 weeks

Early this past week, I was starting to wonder if I was still pregnant.  I think that's pretty normal... especially when you have twinges/tiny sporadic cramps and no symptoms.  But by this weekend, it was clear.  My boobs hurt so bad I kept waking up in the middle of the night when I tried to roll on my stomach.  I'm having food cravings.  And if I don't eat every 2-3 hours, I get headaches and feel sick.  Plus I had my first real (not just from brushing my teeth) gagging fits... over nothing. 

As much as these symptoms might not always be described as "fun," I'm so very thankful for them.  Thanks, little blueberry, for letting me know you're growing in there.  Keep it up!

I was planning on working from home the day of our first ultrasound, but a meeting came up that I have to go in for.  Good thing it's in the morning, and I can spend the rest of the afternoon (though still working...) with Mr. M.  16 days (including a 3-day work trip) to go until we (please God!!) hear a heartbeat!  I can't wait to see this little baby!

6 weeks

First, let's play catch up:

• Got numbers back on Monday the 26th. From when I had bloodwork done on Friday (11dpo) - hCG 49, Progesterone 50. Definitely pregnant.  Nurse said Progesterone is rockin', and though she said she couldn't guarantee, she felt like that number was a good sign baby isn't etopic. WOOT.
• Immediately asked if I could get another hCG to make sure my beta was doubling.  She was all over it, so I went in and had blood drawn again.  Especially since we were leaving Tuesday night to go out of the country, I wanted some numbers to make me feel better. Nurse said she wanted to see over 150.
• Oh yeah, and later that night I started spotting.
• Tuesday morning, I got the call:  Monday's bloodwork (14 dpo)- hCG 200.  I guess I really am pregnant.
• Had lots of conversation with the nurse about spotting (brown and very little pink).  No cramping with it.  Still freaking me out
• Spotting stops.  I go on vacation full of: sleeplessness, not eating at regular times, bouncy/windy car rides on the left side of the road, not drinking enough water, not being able to pee when I need to.  Lots of general stress. Many crying fits with my husband, worried that all of this craziness can't be good for the baby.  
• Symptoms (or just from all of the above craziness): nausea (better when I eat more often), sore boobs, face breaking out, bloating, having to pee all the time. YAY!  Because I am neurotic, I bring a good 10 pregnancy tests with me so I can keep testing to make sure the line gets darker.  Got to the point where it was super-dark and couldn't get darker.  Decided I'm insane.  But it made me feel better.
• Through all of this, Mr. M was FABULOUS.  Willing to stay back with me if I needed a nap or felt sick or wanted to come home early, even though I made him go a lot.  And genuine about it too. Not just "I'm offering because I'm supposed to" -- it was legit.  What a wonderful, wonderful man I married.

So here I am now, back in the US, and 6 weeks pregnant. WOW.  Still worried that baby isn't growing or that all of that craziness in the first few weeks of life are going to cause baby harm, but trying to calm down.  It's killing me that I have to wait until 9 weeks for my first ultrasound.  I can't wait to hear that itty bitty heartbeat. :)

starting to freak out.

What I kind of glossed over yesterday is the cautious news I got at the Dr's office. And how much it's kind of freaking me out.

It's early. We know that. We know that it's super early and there is a high risk of miscarriage.

But to add fuel to the fire... I have a higher risk of ectopic pregnancy because of my kinked right tube. The Dr wasn't able to get any dye to pass through it both times I had the HSG, but she mentioned that because of the kink, it was possible that I could ovulate on the right side, a sperm could make it where the dye couldn't, and the egg could get stuck.

Did I mention that when I ovulated this month, I had strong cramps on my right side?

The Dr. said that my bloodwork would give us a better idea of what we were dealing with. But I did it on Friday. Which means no answers until Monday. Yikes.

And I keep feeling twinges. On my right side. Which could be my crazy brain playing tricks. But still.

Crossing our fingers, and praying harder than we've ever prayed that this baby is in my uterus and not somewhere else...

1 day shy of 4 weeks pregnant.

holy crap.

Today was my post-op appointment. This month, we tried, since we didn't want to miss a month, but I wasn't holding out most hope. When I ovulated, I cramped on the right side, and I figured it was a loss. Everything else went right (good EWCM, progesterone levels back at 25, great timing, etc.) Since I had an appointment this morning (11dpo), and we're going on vacation next week, I thought to myself "I'll just test. It'll probably be negative, but on the far off chance it's positive, it would be good to know since I'll be there anyway."

So I sleepily went to the bathroom. And took a test like I always do. And tried to keep my mind busy reading the test insert while I waited. And then I looked at the test.

And where I've seen a stark-white, no chance in hell you're pregnant space before, there was a line. My first thought was "thank you, God for never abandoning us!" The second thought was "holy crap!!" And then I started shaking.

Luckily I had PIAC (sorry, TMI), so I took a digital. Surely so soon it wouldn't say positive yet, right? And on the screen I've cursed so many times for telling me with very little tact "not pregnant," there it was:

PREGNANT

No freakin way. So I took the other FRER. And another line. WOW

I always thought I would tell Mr. M in a fun way, I ran into our bedroom at 5:30 a.m. and the conversation went like this:

"baby?"
"hmmmrmm?"
"babe!" (frantic and ugly crying)
"what?!"
"we need to go to church every sunday for the rest of our lives!"
"why"
"because we're going to have a baby!"
"what?!"

And then I cried. And then he woke up.

WOW.

I'm feeling positive. We both feel like this is unreal. At my appointment, I had a ton of blood drawn so we should have levels back on Monday. How I'm going to make it until then, I'm not sure. My doctor was really positive, but reminded me that it's still early, and that with my kinked tube, there's more of a possibility of a tubal/etopic pregnancy. So we're praying. A lot.

Thinking good thoughts for Monday.

3 weeks pregnant

a better weekend.

This weekend tops last weekend by A TON. First of all, I'm not in bed watching crappy TV. Second, we got to have a great date night last night (complete with a fried mars bar. Which sounds nasty, but was AMAZEBALLS.) Third, I got to see girlfriends today! Girlfriends I haven't seen in a couple of months! So much fun to catch up. And crazy to tell them all of the nutty things we've had going on for the last couple of months.

Unfortunately, one girlfriend told us about her brother in law and his wife who it seems are having TTTC too. It's so hard to hear about others going through the same things because I wish so hard that no one else had to go through this. It sounds like she had a LAP too, and that they have both male and female IF. That has to be rough. Thinking good thoughts for them too, though I've only met them once... let's hope we're both over this hurdle soon.

On a more fun note, we're not all that far from vacation. And I can't wait!!

catching up

I haven't felt like blogging for the past month and a half... so I haven't. But a lot has happened since then.

• still not pregnant
• had my laperoscopy, hysteroscopy, and chromotubation (? dye test) last week
• still recovering (thank you stitches ;P)
• I have endo
• thanks to that bitch, one of my tubes is kinked and couldn't be fixed
• that means I'm down to one tube
• sonofabitch.
• told my parents. couldn't have surgery without telling them. they've been super-supportive, but they didn't have any trouble (like AT ALL) getting pregnant, so I'm currently stomaching all of the "just relax" and "give it time" I can take

That's the highlights.
Ugh. Month 13, Clomid.
C'mon good ovary and tube!! let's make some twins!!

mothers day.

quick recap, since I haven't felt much like posting and have been working like a mad woman the last couple of weeks:

• cycle 10 was a bust
• decided to do no clo*mid in May b/c we wouldn't be in the same city if I o'd early. figured we'd risk it and hope I ovulate late. lots of reasons for that... it was a hard decision

Okay, so today is mothers' day.

I don't know what else to say. Isn't that enough?

For the last few years, I've thought "maybe next year will be my first mothers' day." We put off trying a few times, so it wasn't a disappointment when the next year came and that wasn't the case. But this year? Different story.

And I get to go put on my happy face all day and pretend that I'm not distraught over the fact that this year, it isn't me again.

Also.

I'm thinking about taking up religion. Not that I'm not faithful; I have faith, and have always felt that I didn't need to be a member of a church to be a good person or feel close to God. But we've always said that when we have kids, that's something we might like to do. I don't know if it's that I need more hope lately, or need to feel uplifted or inspired, but it's been weighing on my heart. Still not sure what, if anything, I will do about it, or if it really feels right, but I've been thinking about it.

That said, I came across this quote from the Bible today on another blog. And I liked it. It's a good reminder.

For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Matthew 6

Here we go, here we go, here we go again!

So, thanks to the lovely clo*mid, I ovulated on CD 16. (FF says 15, but my CD 16 temp is whacked, and I can't get it to agree with me. But OPKs, cramping for 15 min BAD, which happens the day of O every cycle, etc. tell me 16. Whatever. We'll agree to disagree.) Which is awesome! And I hope my LP is rockin (please be over 12! That would be AMAZING!) this cycle too. So YAY!

Here's the bummer though. Thanks to early ovulation, if my LP isn't long enough, and next cycle follows this one's pattern, we may miss out on next month. We have back to back work trips. Which sucks. But in 10 (that would be 11) months TTC, I'm surprised that this would be the first time that would have happened. So. That's the way it goes.

With this being the first month on meds, the hopeful bug is getting to me again. I go back and forth between "it's just another month, we'll see what happens, I'm getting used to this" and "holy crap! this could be it! what if clo*mid does the trick! I ovulated earlier! my LP could be longer! this could make the difference! what if we have TWINS!" Yeah. That last part probably isn't helping. Because that's when I start counting months and when we could tell people again. And we know where that's gotten me the last 9 months... I'm trying to stay calm, but I'm on pins and needles waiting to see how long my LP is. I even bought pregnancy tests yesterday. I haven't tested (like seriously expecting that maybe it would be positive) in a long time. But I rationalized that since I don't know how long my LP will be, if it's past 12 or 13 days, I might test then just to see. To keep my whole "psych-it-out" thing going, I bought the extra large pack of digital OPKs and a 3 HPT kit. You know, the whole "if I buy all this stuff, this will have to be it because I spent all this money" and "if I get to excited it won't happen" things.

Anyway. Biding my time.

To help, I spent last weekend getting stuff done! I painted our hallway, painted some closet doors and trim, planted some peonies, cleaned some stuff in the basement, and put together a clothes storage thing. And probably some other stuff I can't remember. But I was really proud of my industriousness. And I hope to continue that trend. ;)

hoping the next week and a half fly right by....

catch up

This has been a looooooong week!

Monday and Tuesday, just fine. Lots to do at work, scheduling HSG... surprise! Wednesday. Have to move lots of schedules around, but it works out.

Wednesday morning. Not so worried about procedure (which for me is crazy... I hate all things medical.) A little nervous about results. Have HSG. And some seriously bad cramping to go along with it. Left tube performs like a rockstar. Right tube... not so much. Dr. can't tell if it's blocked or if it was a spasm. I had horrible cramping, so she thinks that's a possibility. Tries and tries to get it open, body freaking out too much.

So now I'm on Clo*mid, and we're hoping that Lefty does her job this month. :) Not as freaked out as I thought I would be about the right tube. I've read that if it blocks off close to the uterus, then it's more likely to be a spasm (which it did, so that's GOOD). Somehow I'm oddly at peace with it all... feeling like now that we're finally DOING something about it, it might help. Guess we'll see. Good news is that so far my side effects are very minor: hot sweats at night and headache if I don't stay hydrated. I'll take it-- I've heard of it doing much worse!

Rest of the week crazy busy at work. Got a lot done this morning-- that felt AWESOME. Productive days are great. Here's to hoping I have a lot more of them from here on out-- it feels so good to have exercised this morning and then been active most of the rest of the day.

baby, you're amazing.

So, yesterday was CD1. A disappointing day, at best, most months. But I actually held it together yesterday. I don't know if it's the next test coming up giving me hope, or what, but I'm trying to think on the bright side. Well, that and the dropping temps and cramps for the last week tipped me off. :)

I think what really helped is that yesterday was when we decided to celebrate my upcoming birthday. It's the big 2-8. Normally birthdays don't phase me. Heck, half the time, I can't even remember how old I am. But that is my "have babies" age. I know that's silly. For some reason (I'm a planner) in my head, 25 was always my "get married" age (actually got married at 24) and 28 sounded perfect to start a family... and we have 4 more months to make that a reality. Yikes. It's not that I'm stuck on that age, it's just another one of those milestones that make you think "hmmm... how much longer is this going to take!" Kind of like hitting month 10 and thinking "if things had worked on the first try, we could be having a kid any minute." I'm trying not to dwell on these things, and I'm sure everyone else (who hasn't been through this) thinks it's a lot of negative thinking, but you can't help but notice those milestones.

So- with all of that, why did yesterday help? I had an AMAZING romantic dinner with my husband, and then a decadent dessert at a chocolate bar. And it was nice to just go out on the town and have some fun. Just the two of us. And the 8-hr tyl*enol and couple glasses of wine didn't hurt either. My husband is AWESOME. :)

Today is also Easter. And it's making me also think of my trip to Target on Friday, seeing lots of moms pick up Easter basket goodies for their kids. And hoping that next year, I'm doing the same thing.

yup.

CD1. On to Month 10.

ugh today.

So as part of my be-happy-think-positive goal, I'm trying to de-stress. To de-guilt. To make decisions that are best for me and not worry so much about what people think.

That's harder than it sounds, by the way.

And today is one of them. I know I made the right decision. But I'm still feeling guilty.

ugh.

More and more lately I find myself fantasizing about not working. Or working in a place where I'm not so stressed out. Or one where I could wear jeans. Or at least khakis. One where I don't take my job home. And that's okay. I feel like I have to stay pretty focused on the corporate track right now because of what Mr. M is doing for a living. But in a year or two, God willing, that will hopefully change. And then I don't need to really be the breadwinner. Granted, I need to make money still, but I can do things a bit more at my own pace, without the pressure to stick with something that I don't really enjoy just to bring home the bacon. And don't get me wrong-- I'm not making that much bacon. I can't wait for a change...

today's happiness

so today, my friend called (the one that is pregnant with twins) to tell me that it's a boy and a girl.

and (wait for it.........)

I was really happy for her.

No jealousy passed through my mind. No why-not-mes. Just sheer joy and excitement for her. I told her I wanted to see ultrasound pictures, and I meant it.

thank god I'm not totally loosing it. I was so thrilled that I was happy for her, I called Mr. M to tell him. And when he asked if I was okay, I said "Yes!" And I meant it.

the wonders of modern veggies.

So, my old blog had a lot of random posts about musings as well as recaps of what was going on in our life.

I miss that. It was normal.

Now I've been hanging out here being all depressing and shit.

So here we go: normalcy.



Last night, in a fit of ohshitwhatdoImakefordinner, I happened to have the ingredients for PW's awesome burgers (that make my husband LOVE me, buy the way. and want to run away with Ree... but I digress) and figured that with all that blue cheese awesomeness, we'd better eat something green. Cause you know. It's the adult thing to do.

I've gotten to be a cheater lately with the veggies. I didn't use to make them (bad, M! BAD!) because they are so much trouble to chop/steam/whatever, and we'd do a salad or something instead. But then I discovered the glorious wonder of STEAM BAGS in the frozen section. You know, the already prepped, cooks in 4 minutes, in the same bag it came in, extra dish and effort free solution! WOOHOO!

Honestly, I'm kind of scared that we'll get plastic poisoning or cancer or whatever the hell BPA gives you from heating our food in inflatable plastic bags, but the convenience can't be beat, and hey. It brought broccoli back into the mix.

So anyway, last night, I pulled my new find from the freezer to give it a try. We've had all kinds of stuff, but for the first time at T*arget the other day, I found asparagus in a steam bag! And I have this awesome recipe for asparagus where you broil it with lemon juice and goat cheese that is to.die.for, so I figured this couldn't be that different, right?

4.5 minutes later, psyched for dinner, I load up our plates and we sit down... to mushy asparagus. GROSS. What happened? It was all soggy and gross and made me feel like I was eating veggies that had been sitting at the bottom of my fridge for a week and a half.

SO, in summary:
Steam-in-bag veggies: FanFREAKINGtastic
Steam-in-bag asparagus: don't do it unless you want to gag

to our future children

today a friend of mine mentioned that when she was little, she used to tell her parents "I wish you never adopted me!" and that made me think. think about the journey we're on. think about how I probably said the same thing (except it was "I wish you weren't my parents!" or maybe even "I bet I was an accident and you didn't even want me!"). and then I thought about you. our future children. the ones we so desperately want. the ones we cry because we don't have each month. the ones we would give our everything (and will give our everything) to have.

I hope you always know how much you are wanted. and I think that the bitter makes the sweet even better. so I hope that when you do say those things (because kids always say those things) that we keep our patience, and remember that even though it might be tough to be a parent, that this is what we have longed for, and will be ever so thankful for. and that we share with you how much we wanted you and waited and tried to bring you into the world, into our family.

love,
your future mom

a different take on things

so today I was thinking about how I felt yesterday. and I didn't like it. I was able to be a part of several conversations with my coworkers today that centered on babies and my coworker's pregnancy and be truly happy for her. and to me that was a great relief. as I was walking to a meeting after one of these conversations, I started thinking about another friend/former coworker who went through IF. yesterday on her blog, she posted a link to a devotional that she felt was a good one for those going through IF, and even though I'm not a big scripture person, I thought I'd check it out. it was about the wait. and god's timing. and that keeping faith during that wait keeps you protected. and that in the end, god has perfect timing. I want to believe that's right. and then on my post-work treadmill jaunt today, I turned on O*prah, who happened to have J*enn*a Ja*mi*son on as a guest. and guess what. it took her 10 years to get pregnant.

I keep hearing more and more stories of those who didn't have the easiest route to getting pregnant. I don't know if it's just that I'm hearing more because I'm more aware of IF now, but I'd like to think they're signs. signs to be patient. signs to keep hoping. signs that it WILL happen for us.

and so today, as I walked to that meeting, I decided to try to focus on this as a time to prepare for a child. a time to be as ready as we can and focus on how loved this child will be when it's time. I can't promise I will be able to stay focused on this, but I'm hoping to try. because our future children are wanted with all of our hearts.

I also feel there is some truth in speaking things into being and that what you focus on most is what you get more of. and I've been working against that for the last, oh, 7 or 8 months. so it's time to try to retrain our focus. and not allow the worry and the stress to take the lead. but try to keep the hope, and our love for one another and our desire to have children, and anticipation for the day that WILL come for us in the forefront.

and my hope is that next cycle I can say, well, this isn't it, but we're one month closer to meeting our child.

so, it happened.

today I found out that my one co-worker that doesn't have kids is pregnant. I'd been suspecting that for a while, and even suspected that she was having trouble (she hinted that they were TTC to me back in Nov. of 08), and I'm thrilled for her. After the fact, she even told me today that she'd had a miscarriage last fall. :( The thing is, while I'm happy for her, and it's one more story of someone who had trouble getting pregnant finding success which gives me hope, I still am wallowing a bit. The hardest part is that she made her announcement in a meeting, and I had to give an update after her, and so everyone turned to me and said "soooooooo...! Do YOU have an update?!?"

As much as that stings, it tells me they have no clue, which is good because I'd rather it be that way than everyone walking on eggshells around me, but talk about rough. It's hard to play that off (which I later confirmed I did well with my friend who does know) and say "don't hold your breath on that one! You all saw me drink a beer yesterday at happy hour!" without crying.

And I hate that I have mixed emotion. I wish I could JUST be happy for her. No wallowing. Just happy. It's hard because it just reminds me where we're at. And with this month being frustrating (a temp shift? but no + opk? but EWCM is gone already (as usual)?? okay, there's the +. wait, did I o yet? UGH) and the looming cost of our next round of testing, it's too much to handle.

And so I'm trying to stay positive. And trying not to become the depressing infertile. BLAH.

around the house

I'm so proud of how much we've gotten done around here lately! We've lived in our home for a few years now, and did most of the work when we moved in, but in the last couple of months, we've been more willing to tackle other little projects that we'd put off...

First up, we put a new ceiling fan in our dining room. For the record, I want to say that I HATE having a ceiling fan in our dining room, but Mr. M loves it, and it does help with air circulation in our house. SO I gave in, since we found one that was decent-looking. :) Next up, I've been trying for FOREVER to get him to agree to re-do our home office. Mr. M works from home about 60% of the time and had the room to himself. I had my desk in another room, and in anticipation of having a baby (HA!) I moved my desk out. That left my little laptop homeless, and me without a place to pay bills, etc. After some convincing, I got Mr. M to agree to re-do his office and allow me a small workstation in the corner. While getting the furniture set up, hilarity ensued, (maybe I'll share that story at some point...), but it's all set up now and we LOVE it. Then yesterday, on a bit of a whim, I got him to agree to put a new medicine cabinet up in our master bath. The one we had was tiny and ugly UGLY fake oak. When I went to take off a note I had taped to the frame, I found out the "oak" was paper. YUCK. 20 minutes later, we have a large, beveled mirror that covers most of the wall and provides TONS of storage. I hadn't seen the counter top in that bathroom in ages, and I'm thrilled with how clean it all looks now.

I would still love to: replace our counter tops in the kitchen, replace 3 windows, get a buffet for the living room, recover a chair, and put down new base boards, but we have to be realistic... We're only planning on living here for another year or two, so I hate to sink too much into the house. But with what we've done in the last month, this place is SO much more wonderful to live in. (It's the little things, right?) I would be thrilled if we could get everything else done around here... The problem we're running into is money. We have it, but we're hesitant to spend it because we were saving for a baby/are saving for fertility treatments/might have the opportunity for an investment soon that we would like to make. Lately we've found REALLY good deals, so that's helped, and I think we've both loosened up a bit about it... but still.

hmmm...

I was starting to think I'd gotten into a routine with this TTC thing... be depressed early in the month, chill out for a couple of weeks, try to baby make/scrutinize OPKs/freak out about taking my temp too early/late, chill for a few more days, try not to start googling symptoms, try not to test, AF shows up.

This month, I'm thrown for a loop. All of my bloodwork has come back okay, except for the slightly low progesterone. Which is making me wonder about the OPKs... when I called and talked to the nurse after that result, she asked if I had gotten my period yet? (no) Had I gotten positive OPKs (yes). Did I need medicine to make me have periods (no). Did I get breakthrough bleeding or spotting (no). Hmmmmokay.... So now, I'm at CD18, at which point I'm usually getting close to positive OPKs, and nothing. BUT, I had a temp spike today. It could be random, but I'm way thrown off.

Oh, and did I mention I had spotting the other day? What is that about? Can low progesterone be a self-fulfilling prophecy? To my body, I say: W.T.F.

And to make matters even better, the whole two-day depression thing has been a little longer this month and has come in random spurts. I will cry at the drop of a hat. The Train song Soul Sister has me in tears every time I hear it. I have no idea why. Last night I told Mr. M that I feel like my heart is broken. And I really meant it. I'm a freaking wreck. Magnify that by the fact that almost no one (ESPECIALLY my family) has any clue what's going on, so I have to be all happy and cheery and "oh, everything is great. I'm not trying really hard right now to not bite your head off/start sobbing." Which just makes things worse.



I'm trying to focus on other things... but that's hard. Even looking at other people's baby pictures on facebook has me upset-- that never used to happen. I'm scared this is the beginning of the bitter/can't talk about kids/no longer relate to friends with children IF stuff. And I SOOOO do not want to go there. I'm trying really hard not to.

Next step: HSG. I was a day to late when I heard back from the doctor this month, so this month we have nothing, but come early April, at least there's a next step. I cannot wait to get to the bottom of this, but I'm still scared of what we might find. And the funny thing is that I'm not scared of getting shots in my ass or drug side-effects; I'm worried about the cost.

In other news:
We spent last weekend out of town with my siblings-in-law celebrating St. Patrick's Day. Had a great time. Got drunk. (something I haven't done in quite a while) Had a crazy week.

Trying to work out more, eat healthier, cut down on meat and dairy. Hope that makes me feel less sluggish, and maybe loose a few pounds too. Before we started TTC, I lost about 20 pounds... and I've managed to gain it all back. Yikes. My summer clothes are NOT going to fit unless I do something drastic...

Still so very, VERY thankful for my wonderful husband who is with me through the highs and lows, loves me unconditionally, and is just the most perfect wonderful person I could have ever found to spend my life with. Here's to hoping that soon we'll be able to move on to the next phase of our lives...with kiddos.

Month 9

Here we are in month 9. Had we been successful with our first attempts back when we were on our European vacation last summer, we'd be preparing for a new arrival very soon. Instead, we're still trying. And we won't stop any time soon. :)

Last Friday marked more bloodwork. Still waiting to hear those results. Was doing okay, except now our "plan" is complete (testing is done) and we don't have next steps. Have I mentioned I'm a gal with a plan? I don't do well without one. I'm constantly planning everything. This has been one big lesson in "you can't plan everything." However, I'd feel a whole lot better if we had a medical plan for what to test/try next.

In the mean time, I'm trying to do what I can. I've been freaked out to work out the last few months, afraid that I'm going to mess something up. I've decided that until someone tells me that 's the case, I can't use that as an excuse anymore, and I need to be eating healthier and working out. I started back to that tonight. I'm going to try to work out when I get home as often as I can, and am trying to cut way back on meat and dairy and focus on getting my whole grains, fruit and veggies. I've cut out all caffeine, and am trying not to drink alcohol, except during AF (when I KNOW I'm not PG) and when I feel like I need to b/c we're in front of people. I know that last bit is silly, but I can't take the questions.

There's so much emotion charging through my body each month. It's a roller coaster. My dear, sweet friend texted me the other day about a silly inside joke, and I know she was thinking of me and what we're going through. And as it turns out, my two friends that know that have kids also happen to be the ones who got pregnant the first month they tried. For this friend in particular, it was both times they wanted to get pregnant. And her text made me smile. It's so wonderful to know that someone that cares about you is thinking about you. The other friend said the other day that she wished she knew the right words to say to make me feel better. And the truth is, there are no right words. But instead of getting frustrated with my fertile friends, and being jealous, and resenting their happiness, and wishing that I was them, and telling them that they have NO IDEA what I'm going through, I'm choosing to appreciate their support. And to understand that they may not totally get it, but they love me and want to support me. And I think while they don't have a clue what it's like to be in this situation, they do realize how horrible it would be if their children weren't in their lives. I chose very carefully who I wanted to share this with, and I chose these friends for a reason. I trust them. Though they don't get it, they will try. And no matter what, they'll be supportive.

waiting, wishing, and hoping...

10 dpo.

10 dpo. Just couldn't blog yesterday, though I got our test results. Good news= Mr. M rocked it out. I kind of rocked it out. Still waiting to hear back about next steps from my Dr. Busy with work. Thinking I need to keep reducing stress. Have good job opportunities at my fingertips, but timing isn't right... I can't take on the stress of a change and added responsibility at this point. Feeling cramps. Dropping temp. Period is coming. Thankful for my excellent, supportive, loving husband. Thank the good Lord for him daily. Feeling fat. Trying to stay out of doldrums. Need Spring. Need Spring BAD. Blah.

ups and downs

Though I'm in a more relaxed mood about TTC... I keep feeling like I'm not myself. It dawned on me this week that perhaps it's because I feel like I have to hide who I am right now. I've always been the person who is pretty open (not overly so) about my life. It's killing me right now to not be able to tell people what's going on. Every time someone asks "What's new with you?" I bite my tongue. Every time someone asks when we'll be thinking about kids, I brush it off. I've taken to flat-out lying about it, because I don't want anyone to accidentally figure it out. I even mentioned temping... OOPS! the other day, and a friend said "When I hear someone say that, I think here comes a 'surprise!' Just wait..." I insisted it was to avoid, and she repeated herself. I explained I'd been doing it for three years, and no "surprises" yet.

UGH. I feel totally fake. I'm not happy with anything lately. I have a couple of great opportunities that have come up recently at work, and normally I'd be all over them, but with everything we have going on (and a very small pay increase with a large amount of added responsibility) I just don't feel like now is the right time...

I keep hoping that since spring is on the way, I'll feel better when it's here. I'm tired of feeling cold and stuffy and stuck. A change in the weather might make all the difference! I saw a Post*Secret to that effect a couple of weeks ago, and it made all the sense in the world to me. It said "Spring is coming, and we will be alright." A-MEN!

Also on my mind lately is religion... I think something like that could really help me right now. I gave up something for Lent and we've been talking about it more lately... not sure what we'll do or where we're headed with it, but it's been weighing on me lately.

How's that for randomness!

keeping track...

in the interest of keeping track:

• last week Mr M was sick sick sick. By last Saturday (and the start of a Z-pack) he was good to go. He even said "why aren't you sicker??" He was totally a trooper and made it through "sex week" even though he felt like crap.
  
• Sunday came and... I got sick. I spent all week feeling like crap.
  
• Friday came and was officially TEST day! Due to scheduling and early office closing times, we had to go in the middle of the day. For the first time EVER, I didn't cry or freak out about getting bloodwork done. I hate needles, but like I told the nurse, I've never wanted bloodwork more in my life. I got in and out at the Dr. and then ran home to get J and take him for his test. Again, in and out, and back to work. It's totally surreal to go back to work after all of that... on Friday afternoon none the less.
• Both of us are feeling neutral about the tests. We should have answers on Monday... EEK!
• Not feeling very optimistic this cycle. Temping has been all kinds of messed up b/c of illness, bad sleeping patterns, etc. Timing was okay. Not expecting much. I would be SHOCKED if this month is it. I think that's where I'm starting to get to overall... Even though we're actively trying, I would be shocked if it happened. Is that bad? I call it coping...
• Not sure if I mentioned this, but friend who recently announced her pregnancy found out she's having TWINS! Still thrilled for her, but it's a little bitter sweet...

Valentine's Weekend

After the promising doctor's appt. on Friday, we were ready for a great weekend.

Friday afternoon and early evening, I took my mom to have a small surgery and hung out with her until my dad came back from a business trip.

Saturday we installed a ceiling fan first thing in the morning. I know that doesn't sound like fun (and it wasn't) but it's something we've been procrastinating on for quite a while. We spent some time relaxing/working after that, and then went out to dinner for V-day at a local micropub. We like to go nontraditional for Valentine's day, so it was a great fit.

Yesterday, we went to see the movie Valentine's Day. We also finally decided to get a Wii (we're only 3 or so years late, right?) When we tried to stop by Best Buy on Friday night, they said everywhere was out of stock-- apparently there was some issue with Nintendo. Funny enough, just a little digging and I was able to swing by Target to pick up our new gaming system. After the movie, we came home and I cooked a lovely dinner of Mr. M's favorite burgers, potato casserole, and chocolate covered strawberries. Mr. M hooked up the Wii, and we bowled a quick game before Big Love.

The crowning glory? Today is a holiday, so I'm off work! :)

I love days off of work

God bless national holidays. Mr. M is working today, which leaves me home alone. By 9:00, I had:

• cleaned the kitchen
• unloaded, loaded and run the dishwasher
• taken down all of our Valentines day decorations (there were quite a few)
• put up our St. Patty's day decorations
• sewed a pair of Mr. M's pants and a shirt that needed repair
• prepared dinner for tonight and put it in the crock pot

I think, given the chance, I'd be a great SAHW!

so... it's been a while

But since I last posted:

• I've told two friends about our trouble TTC. My sweet, sweet friend had her baby with her, and immediately handed her over. So sweet. :)
  
• I've had a break-down at work, and told my boss. (Before you think I'm nuts, she's a good friend too.) And I'm really glad I did. It feels so much better for someone to know.
• We've had our parents over, and successfully managed to NOT tell them. I was scared to death that one of them would ask (*again*) when it would be time for grandchildren and that I would loose my shit.
  

And most excitingly:

• I went to the Doctor today. It's a new OBGYN, recommended by the previously mentioned boss/friend. She is AWESOME! And as soon as we started talking about how TTC has been going, she was ready to start testing. LOVE that. Could not be more thrilled. (I didn't think I'd ever say that about having to get lots of bloodwork, but I am ALL.OVER.IT.) SO, I have two blood draws and Mr. M has a SA scheduled. I'm just so ready to start getting answers!

SO that's where we're at. I feel hopeful for the first time in several months. The best part about the Dr.s appt was that she wanted to look at my temp charts and was impressed at how much we were already doing (which I'm sure is why she was ready to start testing). What a wonderful, wonderful Valentine's Day gift. (Plus the sweet card and mini chocolate box from DH this morning helped. )

YAY!!!

rollin right along

part way through January. days from ovulation. just letting it happen. ordered making babies... interested what it has to say. i kind of feel like this cycle is doomed to be a wash, since my dr's appointment is next month. can't wait for that. thinking i want to start telling some close friends when we start to get a diagnosis. if we get one. but i feel like i need to have some answers or be on the way to them before i start telling people.

i want to say it a million times a day- i think it would explain a lot. it's killing me to keep it a secret. especially when i was sitting with my co-workers today, including one who just came back from maternity leave this week, as they talked about how to cure their babies dry skin with aquaphor. that's when it hit me- i'm the only childless one. that's hard.

so. cycle 7. stopped at walgreens today and went ahead and stocked up on baby-making supplies. it's getting old going twice a month: once for tests, and once for OPKs and tampons.

oh. and add to that: work has been good lately. fulfilling. manageable. like somewhere i could stay for a while longer. a few of us had a discussion today about how we all feel the other shoe is about to drop. let's just say i've been keeping my eyes open for other opportunities. but the thought of changing jobs and/or employers right now is pretty crazy. hopefully things will just happen the way they're supposed to happen...

mmmm beer

The upside of not being pregnant yet = I can still drink really good beer. The first few months we were trying, I would always try to end the month on a good beer. Because, of course, that might be my last beer! And how depressing would it be if my last beer was something like a Bud Light? :) So silly. Now I don't care if my last beer is a PBR-- I'd just like a BFP.

But, that meant a lovely date night with Mr. M, enjoying pints of a local brew and some good dinner. Always a silver lining, right.

In other news, also silver lining and beer related, we might get the opportunity to go on another European vacation this summer. The last two summers, I've been to Europe. How spoiled are we? The first was with my mom and sister, and last summer it was with Mr. M. This time it's with the in-laws. We've talked about it, and to us, it's a no-brainer that we'll still try to get pregnant, because no trip to anywhere is worth missing a month that might be the one. ...But what a lovely consolation prize if it still hasn't happened.

As a side note (not that this whole thing isn't a bunch of side-notes... I'm so random)I've decided this is my favorite part of a cycle. Post-AF, pre what we call "sex week," and before I get my hopes up. The TWW sucks. So here I am, in cycle bliss. :)

oh yeah, internets:

I forgot to tell you. I had my first person-I-know-in-real-life-trying-for-less-time-than-us-gets-pregnant situation. It's a good friend, and while I am THRILLED for them, I was on CD 2 and still in crying/cramping/depressed mode. I managed to hold it together and sincerely express excitement and ask questions, etc. I know I'm not the first to go through it, and this may happen many more times before we get our BFP, but ouch. Trying to be hopeful and spin these thoughts to "how awesome- maybe we'll get to be pregnant together!"

As a side note, it's getting hard to keep from giving myself away. I know way too much about TTC/pregnancy for someone who is supposedly "so not ready for kids yet." I've always been a vault for other peoples' secrets, but mine... I'm horrible. Must get better at my poker face...

Also, I'm starting to think about telling people. I still don't want to until after I go to the doctor and we start to get an idea of if there's an issue/what it is, but... still. It's so hard to not tell anyone. I'm trying to remind myself that the hell of having my mother give me guilt trips over how much she's worrying and being asked if "this month worked" or not. Blah. Let's just get knocked up already!

thankful.

Today, I am thankful for:
The good news we got re: a medical test for Mr. M.
My puppies.
Heating pads. (Cramps BLOW.)

Reality TV and Pregancy?

So in order to write this post, I have to admit that I watch trashy TV. Specifically, Giuli*na and Bill. And it's not like I was bored and clicked around and found it. I totally DVR'd it. I'll wait while you laugh your ass off about that.

Ok, ready? So I'm watching the show, and it turns out they're TTC. So I make a snarky comment to Mr. M that "of course they share that with the whole world on TV, and I'm sure they get knocked up right away because it's so perfect and easy for everyone else. I don't know if I can watch this." But of course I do, because let's get real: it's trashy TV. Not like Jers*y Shore or anything. Which I also watched the other day, but that was because there was a marathon and Per*z Hilton has been talking about someone named "Sn*oky" lately, and I had no idea what was going on. I am most certainly not a follower of trashy pop culture. And I would never subscribe to something like People. (Hey- it's not like US Weekly or something! People is the classy trash magazine!) But I digress...

So I'm watching the show, and they get to the "this season on Giuli*na and Bill..." part. In which I see: vaginal ultrasounds, doctor's offices, the words "we're trying to have a baby and it's not going so well," and see what may or may not be a progesterone shot. Hmmm. Okay, that just earned them some street cred in my book. They probably got some early medical intervention (which we're not at yet, but I'm now counting down the days until my OBGYN appointment... I'm ready to start finding ANSWERS!) but still, that's not "we've tried for three months and must be infertile." Alright. Not that I wish that upon anyone-- I wish it was easy for ALL to get pregnant if they want to, but I can feel for them.

To top it all off, I went back to DVR the series (shut up) and there's an upcoming episode called "Operation Ovulation." Yeah, I think maybe I could watch this show. And honestly, not having seen all this IF stuff yet, and solely based upon the preview, I'm thankful someone is putting it out there. Like somewhere besides Oct*mom or the Discovery Ch*nnel. IF is not freakish. It's a reality. For lots of people.

Side note: I know we may not be considered IF (yet? ever? who knows) but still.

I feel her.

So. In a fit of got-my-period-life-sucks-crying-and-nausea, I needed a pick me up. Mr. M headed off to watch football, and I declined to join him... I'm just kind of a wet blanket today.

To make things better, I figured some time on the couch with an on-demand treat: Julie and Julia. Being a big blog reader, I wanted to see it when it came out, but hadn't ever. And since I was sans-husband, I figured why not. No one to duke it out with over which movie to rent. ;)

And wow. I feel Julie. Though I hear now, she's divorced, just wrote another book, and it's not all like what was in the movie. But I'm there. Bored. Ready for a life change. I thought that would be having children. Turns out you can't just make that one happen. So while we're still working on that goal, I need to figure something else out.

You know that whole work and life can't be bad at once or you're screwed thing I mentioned? Lately, mine has been both. I'm thrilled I have Mr. M on this journey-- I wouldn't make it without him. But now, I need some sort of change. Changing jobs isn't in the cards right now... so that's my new mission: Figure out what to do for some change around here.

Hopes for 2010:

• Get finances in order.
  
• Get healthy. We both have done well this last year, but it's really important we do that.
• Find a passion. Mr. M is lucky enough to know his and be making a career out of it. I need something to be passionate about.
• Become a parent. Mr. M is good about reminding me, even on the dark days, that it's so very important that we keep hope. And I think that's why I need a passion. I was set on my passion being my child. And someday, it will be. But at this very moment, it can't be. And I need something to distract my very impatient self while I wait for that passion to become a reality.

Doing what I do, I really should have SMARTer goals, but I'm good with these. Let's see how it goes...

2010

I was really tempted to write "another one bites the dust," but as I started typing, it popped up as a title I'd previously used. So creative. ;)

So it's a new year. And it's about to be a new cycle. We're entering number 7. Maybe it's lucky #7? Let's hope so! I'm really getting to the point now where I'm tired. I don't know what else we can do. I'm so ready to get to February and my OBGYN appointment, it's not even funny. I'm ready to start getting some answers. I'm keeping my fingers crossed in the mean time....

Here's to a new year. A new start. And hopefully the year we become parents. :)