Monday, November 30, 2009

month 5 update

So I'm 12 dpo today. I can't even tell you the last time I saw 12 dpo. I was thrilled last month when I barely made 11. So YEAH that my LP is getting to be a normal length! Big pink puffy heart for B6.

But. I waitedandwaitedandwaited to test. And waited some more. We were out of town all weekend, and I didn't even let myself bring a test. I did, however bring massive amounts of tampons. You know, psych AF out with reverse psychology kind of stuff. You would not believe, however the number of times I squished my boobs hoping they'd be sore.

This morning: BFN. And a temp drop. No AF yet, but I'd be willing to bet she's a-comin. No cramps yet, just a backache.

How do I feel? Well normally at this point each month, I sob uncontrollably and mope for a couple of days. Today? Eh. I convinced myself it wouldn't happen this cycle already. So low expectations = not such a dramatic reaction, right? Still bummed, but hopeful that maybe I'll get a BFP to ring in the new year.

Also, there's an upside. (Gotta learn to see the silver lining, right?) We have the opportunity for another Europe trip next summer with the in-laws in August. So, if it doesn't happen by February or so, we get to go to Europe. That'll be my third year in a row-- how awesome! Also, my OBGYN appointment is in February, so another month of no BFP is a month closer to starting to figure out what is going wrong.

And so we march on to Month 6...


A little late is better than never, right? (We were out of town visiting Mr. M's family for the holiday, so please forgive my late blogging.)

Though I gripe about TTC, I really am very thankful. Thankful for a husband who is amazingly supportive and positive. Thankful for a marriage that has gotten stronger through the challenges of the last year. Thankful to still have my job through a bad economy. Thankful for my baby puppies, who always know how to bring a smile to my face, even through my tears. Thankful for my home, always warm, comforting. Thankful for friends, who though they don't know all of the ups and downs of the last year, always know how to make me laugh. Thankful for family, especially those that are only related by marriage. I could not have married into a kinder, more generous, loving family. Thankful for my health, and that of my husband.

Especially thankful that hope springs eternal, and that I know someday we will have a child. I just don't know when or how. Thankful that through it all, I'm learning some good life lessons.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I do NOT respect the Turkey

I've always been one to want to decorate for Christmas ASAP. Halloween is over? Let's break out the stockings! Usually I restrain myself long enough to make it through Thanksgiving... but only for Mr. MMM's sake.

This year, however we're mixing it up, and heading out of town for the full holiday weekend. To make things even more complex, we're booked every weekend through December. So last weekend, while Mr. MMM was at a football game, I busted out the decorations. The only things left are putting ornaments on the tree and the lights outside.


Month 5

So, we're on month 5 of TTC. We started this journey hopeful. After all, almost everyone we know was able to get pregnant right away. So this should be easy, right? In the back of my mind, the fear was already there, the fear that I think most women have: what if it's not so easy for us?

Over three years ago, right after we got married theknot kicked me over to thenest. And the obsession began. I went off of birth control, read Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and we started charting to avoid. I read all kinds of posts from women dealing with IF. I became a reader of IF bloggers, and since you don't know until you try, figured the next best thing was to see if I was ovulating. And I was. Score! We talked and talked about timelines, changed our minds a few times, and finally this summer said we were ready. Wouldn't it be fun if we got pregnant on our UK vacation?

Yeah... well, five months later and we're here. The last four months, I've gotten excited about phantom symptoms, tried countless ways to "boost" fertility, calculated possible due dates, mused ways to tell our family based on what events were three months away... and ended each month crushed, heartbroken and depressed.

This month, after a particularly crushing October, I decided I needed to detach a bit from our TTC journey. No more planning nurseries in my head. No more daydreaming about babies and pregnancy. No more ensuring that the clothes I'm buying would accommodate a baby bump. If we're going to be in this for the long haul, I can't fall apart month after month. Mr. MMM thinks it's a little sad-- that this should be an exciting time for us. But what if month five is followed by six. And ten. And fourteen.

Don't get me wrong-- the minute I have a reason to be happy, I'll be over the moon thrilled. Right now, I'm just coping.

Here we go, here we go, here we go again!

So I've tried this blogging thing several times. I've blogged about my life for friends and family. I've blogged about my crafts and decorating. I've blogged just for me about our TTC journey. And I'm tired of all the different blogs. I need to go one place to get it all out. So here I am, world. I'll blog about anything and everything that comes across my mind. And if people want to read it, great. And if not, that's okay too.