Sunday, November 11, 2012

11 weeks

Well, kiddo.  We're still on a roller coaster for sure, but it's been better this week.  I have great, happy, positive moments, and sad, worried stressed moments, but I'm trying to error on the side of positive.  I'm having trouble with how to pray about this...   Do I pray that it stays small and we can take care of it at the c-section?  (Less risk to you overall, but if it's cancer it could spread)  Do I pray we go in and take the cyst our while I'm pregnant?  (Because if it's cancer, than at least it's OUT!)  Ugh.  I just want you to be safe, and me too.  Anyway... trying not to think about it.

This week my symptoms started to mellow out, thank goodness.  Less breast pain, less cravings, and less food aversions. Woohoo! Most of my clothes still fit (yay!) but it's getting harder and harder to hide at work. And especially with my transition to a new job I'd like to keep it under wraps a little longer, but you might not let me!

Best part of this week:  hearing you for the first time on the doppler at 11 weeks exactly.  I've been trying once a week for the last couple of weeks, and it was wonderful and reassuring to find you. I try not to use it very often, so I will probably wait to try again until before my next appt... just have to make it through this week and then we get to see you on u/s again!

Prayers, prayers, prayers!!!

Friday, November 2, 2012

10 weeks

Okay, kiddo.  Please don't be mad at your momma.  It has been a crazy and scary last few weeks...

I didn't do a 7 week post, because we were scheduled for our ultrasound at 7w5d.  I figured better to update after that.  Plus with the cyst, and news that some skin biopsies I had done came back abnormal, I was one hell of a mess.  No sleep, crying, freaking out that I was falling apart and so were you.

So we went to our appointment. Daddy had to run to join us after class, and was a little late, but we waited to start the u/s until he was there.  And we were so very happy and thankful to see your sweet little heart.  And while we would have loved twins again, we both sighed in relief that there was JUST ONE OF YOU!  It's been a dream of mine to not only have another pregnancy, but do it with just one baby this time.  Again, not that your brother and sister aren't amazing, but it's a different experience, I'm sure, to just have one at a time.  You had a beautiful heartbeat in the 140s, were measuring between 6w3d and 7w (she said it was hard to get you to stretch out), and were developing well.

But.  Some of the things on the u/s weren't looking right.  I had a bleed behind your sac (she called it an implantation bleed).  She said it was small and looked like it was resolving on its own, but still we paused.  There were also white lines of your sac.  We had the NP for this appt, not the u/s tech, and she said that it could be that there was a setting off, but she couldn't be sure.  The cyst was still there, and luckily maintaining size instead of growing.  That's good news.  But we also saw what looked like bumps or cysts or something in the uterus with you.  Again, she said that a doctor had mentioned that they saw the lines on a sac earlier in the week, and that it might be a setting.

Then she told me that if I started bleeding at all I was to call right away and tell whoever I was talking to that she said I needed to come in ASAP.  And when she checked us out, she said that we needed to come back in two weeks to be seen again.  And that "we need to get you through the first trimester."

What a blow.  We walked out with our pictures of little you and didn't know what to say.  Daddy had to go pick up your siblings from school, so I went next door for my bloodwork alone.  And that started a really scary two weeks.  Worries about you.  Are you healthy?  Is something wrong?  the NP said she had never seen anything like that before.  That can't be good.  I still have a HUGE cyst.  What if it's cancer?  What if it ruptures? Terses? I have to have emergency surgery in the first trimester? For a week I freaked out, and for a week, I prayed.  And God is amazing.  He gave me hope when we couldn't get pregnant.  He gave me not one, but two precious babies.  And He carried them to term and brought me beautiful, precious gifts.  And then he helped us have you, with no medical intervention.  And every time I pray to Him not to abandon me, not to leave me, to help guide me, He does.  I was able to calm down a bit until my next appt.

So, at 9w3d, we were back at the doctor.  Another u/s and you looked great.  Although, the tech told me I had to breathe b/c your heart rate was up and she didn't want me passing out. :) Measuring 9w, you are a little gummy bear.  Arm buds, leg buds, and a big old head. :) Just the way you are supposed to be.  Cyst is still there, and grew slightly, but still slowly.  And we're hoping for slow or no growth, so that's not bad.  I also got to see the Dr, and thank goodness.  I know I was lead to go to her for a reason.  She's just so kind and caring and is great at putting me at ease.  And when I asked her about cancer, she showed me all the reasons she doesn't think it is cancer on the picture.  And we talked about some what-ifs,  but she helped calm me down.  She said you look great, that it's official that I'm pregnant, and even wanted to schedule your c-section. (You have to come out that way too b/c of the cyst, which we hope will be able to stay a reasonable size and be removed at your delivery.)

With that, I've been doing better.  More sleep (though you still do not like to let me sleep through the night), less worry, and more resolve that you are going to be a healthy outside baby in late May.  I brought home your most recent pictures, and we showed your brother and sister.  They started calling you gummy bear, a safe name that won't tip others off just yet.  And also very appropriate, as I've been craving gummy candy (bears, worms, etc.) like CRAZY.

This is also why we have no belly pictures yet. I couldn't bear to look at them if something were to happen.  And also because I am already huge (thank you second pregnancy, cyst, and eating carbs again!) and feel ridiculous being this size at 10 weeks.  But when we see you at 12 weeks, we'll start. 

I love you little kiddo-- hang in there and stay safe!!

Saturday, October 6, 2012

6 weeks

...and one day.  Sorry, kid.  It's already become apparent that you're going to suffer the same fate as many second and third children before you:  less documentation of your life.  I already didn't remember to take pictures of my pregnancy tests, though I've been testing frequently to see the little line get darker, and now it would be a joke to take a picture because the test line is MUCH darker than the control.  And now i"m a day late on your post. I could also blame that on your weekday being Friday when your siblings' was Sunday.  I promise that starting with ultrasound day, we will take weekly pictures.

Speaking of that, I think it's normal to feel this way, but I'm still nervous.  It's insane that after the struggle to have our first pregnancy that we would get pregnant so quick.  And without help!  And so I'm still worried that something won't go right.  It does make me feel better that I'm on progesterone, helping you stay put, but it will be awesome to see a little heartbeat.  Just a week and a half to go...!

This week I traveled for work, same as I did when I was early pregnant with the twins.  Except by that point last time, I had just found out it was twins!  The trip was interesting, as it was last time, trying not to let everyone figure it out.  I didn't drink (obviously!) and didn't even make an attempt to fake it.  I think going through airport security might have been my giveaway...  It's been so long since I've flown that I didn't think much about it, but remembered when we were there that they use body scanners now.  I ended up being the last to go through on the way there, and quietly let the TSA lady know I was with colleagues, but was very early pregnant, and asked if it was safe to go through.  She kindly said to always tell them that, and waved me through the metal detector.  Everyone else got slowed down or stopped, so I went unnoticed.  On the way back, I made sure I was last, and again told the TSA guard, who sent me through the metal detector.  This time, though, the person before me asked me about it.  I shrugged it off, like I wasn't sure why, and moved on, but she seemed upset because she didn't want to have to go through.  Ugh.  BACK OFF! :)

Symptoms this week: twinges of pain in my breasts, but not as much soreness.  Nausea, but better than last time:  only when I haven't eaten, and this time I know to KEEP EATING!  Trying to stick to my more recent eating habits (less carbs, more veggies), but I also have random food aversions that have kept me eating grains.  Bloating, and some thickening of my tummy, I'm sure due to adding back the previously mentioned carbs.  I did wear maternity capris on my trip, the same ones I bought last time for  the work trip, just because it's a LONG flight and no fun with tight pants when you're bloated.  Last time I also wore a belly band with all my pants (I was 8 weeks).  This time, I needed the belly band to hold the maternity pants up, and my normal pants all still fit.

Looking forward to making it through this next week and a half so I can see your little heartbeat!  Hang in there, little guy!

Friday, September 28, 2012

I'm back and 5 weeks

so... I'm back.

I have two, beautiful, amazing 18 month old children.  And I'm shockingly pregnant again!  Certainly a blessing!  It's so amazing to have this blog from the journey to our twins and I would love to capture that again for this child.  So here's my catch up post:

A few months ago we decided we wanted to start trying to have another child.  We knew that with my endometriosis, and the struggles we had last time, that our chances weren't great.  Time of the essence for us, and though there are things we would love to have better resolved in our lives, it feels like now or never.  And to us, more children is worth a bit of extra stress.  So we started trying to get pregnant again.  The first month, no extra effort, just doing what we would normally do.  Nothing.  The second month, guessing at ovulation and trying around that time.  Nothing.  The third month, I decided to bust out the OPKs, but still didn't quite want to get back to temping just yet.

Pause for a moment.  When I had my kids, my OB noted that I had "enlarged ovaries."  She mentioned that we should follow up to check them out.  At my post op and 6-month post exam, they didn't bring it up, and I honestly didn't think much about it.  I was swamped with having tiny twins, going back to work, and trying to get by.

So I had my annual exam scheduled in early September, the earliest they would let me come in.  I had my appointment, and the nurse practitioner brought it up, saying that my Dr. had seen cysts.  I mentioned that I had thought about it, and would like to just check.  She said that there was a good likelihood that they had gone away by now, but we would check anyway.  She didn't feel anything abnormal during my exam, so I tried not to worry about it.  I also had a calm sense of peace as I waited for my u/s appointment.  This was the month we tried with OPKs.  Thoughts of maybe holding off on this month crossed my mind, as if something was wrong, I could have surgery.  But really, what is the likelihood I would get pregnant anyway?  Last time it took over a year, surgery and Clomid to make it happen.

And then I had the u/s.  My Dr. has two offices, and I went to one consistently during my last pregnancy.  For this appt, I ended up at the other one.  And I didn't love the tech.  She was nice enough, but even though I wasn't probing, she didn't say much.  She wouldn't (and couldn't, I'm sure) answer my questions.  I knew that wasn't great.  Long story short, a LONG day and a half later, my Dr. called to let me know that I had cysts on both ovaries, but that my L ovary was a total of 8.6 CM, while my R was about 4.  She asked about our plans for children, and I shared that we were trying.  She said if I got pregnant in the next 3 months, I could have a repeat C-section and she could remove it then.  But if not, that they would check it again and if it was growing, it would come out.  I asked about cancer, and she said that the type of cyst she thought it was is almost always benign.  My immediate reaction was GET.IT.OUT.  The risk is that if it was to terse (twist), it is extremely painful, and would require immediate surgery.  I told her that we'd tried that month, but that I would discuss with my husband and let her know.

Now, what to pray for?  That I'm not pregnant, so I can get it taken care of and not risk emergency surgery?  That I'm pregnant so I can have just one more (please, God, just one more!!) and have it removed then?  I struggled for a couple of days.  And decided that if this wasn't the month, that I would have surgery.  And I kept praying for guidance.  And then I felt that I should pray to be pregnant.  There is always the risk that this could mean the loss of an ovary.  My right is already as good as useless, as the tube is kinked shut, and now with this on my left, that could make me done.  So yes, please lord, don't abandon me, keep me safe and healthy for my family and let me have just one more child.  And then you can take it all away.  And i will have peace in my heart about it.

I felt myself ovulate that month.  I thought I felt it on the R early, but then I got a positive OPK and felt it on the left.  On Sept 17, I was sitting in a meeting at work, and felt a pinching-- two little pinches-- that was just like I felt last time when I had the spotting. (When I swear whoever was the 2nd to implant was implanting.)  And I thought about it.  And convinced myself that was crazy.  Then next day in the evening I felt like I was getting a yeast infection.  Wednesday I woke up and called it-- what horrible luck!  I figured I was 8-9 DPO, too soon, but before I took medicine, i wanted to be sure, so I tested.  Nothing.  So I got OTC meds and went on with my day.  Then Thursday, I woke up and said, what the hell, let's test again.  And I did, when I was up at 4 am.  And there was a VERY VERY faint line.  NO FREAKING WAY.  So I woke up Mr. M, made him look and he confirmed it  Holy crap.  Thank you, sweet lord for blessing us once again.

I called that day to get my progesterone checked and a blood draw confirmed 10.8, but they said let's do progesterone anyway.  So I'm on it, and my tests keep getting darker (yes, I'm crazy).  I'm pregnant. in only a few months.  With everything working against us.  God is good.

I know it's early, but it is truly a miracle that I could get pregnant at all.  All of my children are absolute blessings from above, no doubt about it.  I have some food aversions and nausea,  am often suddenly starving, some soreness in my boobs, and wake up every night to go to the bathroom.  I have had some cramping, and am hyper aware of any little pinch and pull (because of the cyst, possible miscarriage, and my endo that increases the risk of an ectopic pregnancy), but so far so good.  Please, lord keep this little blessing safe.  Help him or her to stick tight, help my cysts to not grow any more and to stay in place until they can be safely removed at delivery.  Please keep me healthy, and make the cysts benign. And help lead me in wise decision making to keep myself and this baby healthy, so we can survive and have a complete family of five.

My other prayer is for our kids and my marriage.  I certainly want more children, but I am freaking out a bit.  This is a little risky.  We already have two beautiful children and a wonderful life-- am I risking that and being selfish?  I'm trying to remind myself that God gives us gifts for a reason, and he put it in my heart to want to be pregnant this month.  And that this is all part of his plan.

With a first date of my LMP on August 24, I am due May 31.

Today I am five weeks with number 3, and my u/s to confirm is at 7w5d.  Please help that time pass quickly and let us see wonderful, positive things.