Monday, December 21, 2009

wonderful weekend

This past weekend was wonderful. We're not making the 9 hour trek to see Mr. M's extended family this year, so all of his siblings came in town last weekend for our immediate family Christmas. We had a great time eating, building gingerbread houses, and watching football. This week almost seems like a wash at work b/c we're so close to Christmas. Can't wait for my break from work and a bit of relaxing!

BTW, it's awesome to be in the 2ww over the holidays b/c you're too preoccupied to focus on it too much. That or hitting the 6-month mark means the 2ww is now a routine...

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

"life does not put in front of us things that we cannot handle"

I love quotes. Especially that one. Because really, though we all end up going through some SHIT sometimes, we can do it. We just have to have hope that we can do it.

And so. Work is better. Thank the dear lord, because I was about to loose my shit. One of my coworkers said it best earlier this year: "I can handle if personal stuff is bad as long as work is okay, and I can handle work being bad as long as personal stuff is fine. But if they're both bad, it all goes to hell." So, for today, work is okay.

But personal stuff just took another shot to hell. Earlier this year, I had a big health scare and have been left with some residual health problems, but all is okay. Then the unsuccessful TTC, which really, we're only in our 6th month of so I can't really go crazy about that yet. But still a big frickin bummer when you get to Christmas where you thought you'd have a belly and not be drinking and getting gifts of bibs and sleepers and talking about next year being the baby's first Christmas. And you're not pregnant. Blah. And then, this week, we find out that Mr. M has a decently serious medical condition. Oh yeah, and the meds he was prescribed cause temporary IF. So if we want to TTC, he can't take them. So after a long conversation, he decides that he wants to TTC, so now he has to work his ASS off to get healthy without meds.

2009 has sucked. I can't wait for a fresh start in 2010. SERIOUSLY. I.CAN.NOT.WAIT.
BUT. I still need to remember that life does not put in front of us things we cannot handle. WE CAN DO THIS. We WILL do this. And we will be thankful for what we do have. Because living life being all pissed off all the time is no fun. And it will make us stronger. And we WILL have a child someday, however that happens, and we will do what we can to make him healthy, and we will enjoy each and every moment we have, because how blessed we are to be alive and have found each other.

So there.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

a whirlwind in bullets

  • I love the Christmas season. Like, a LOT. I always look forward to it. Yet, this time around I'm not feeling it.
  • We've been out of town the last two weekends. It was fun, but exhausting. This time of year, travel is a bitch.
  • Especially when the biggest snowstorm of the year hits and you have a 25 minute layover in Denver. That's a recipe for disaster (luckily averted!) and a sprint through the airport.
  • I'm so over work right now. I am so SICK of doing the job of two people.
  • We're on to month 6. We keep trying to focus on hope, but it's so hard.
  • I'm so very thankful for my life. As much as I'm discontent and wishing for a change (job getting better, time to relax, A BABY), we're incredibly blessed. And I'm trying to remind myself of that often... but it's hard.
  • Holidays are even harder when you want to be pregnant.
  • I want to be happy.
  • Usually I'm a big old ball of crafty goodness over the holidays. I'm a cookie baking machine. But this year, don't know if I'll have time.
  • Our tree has been up since mid november.... and it's still not decorated. oops.
  • ugggghhhh.

Monday, November 30, 2009

month 5 update

So I'm 12 dpo today. I can't even tell you the last time I saw 12 dpo. I was thrilled last month when I barely made 11. So YEAH that my LP is getting to be a normal length! Big pink puffy heart for B6.

But. I waitedandwaitedandwaited to test. And waited some more. We were out of town all weekend, and I didn't even let myself bring a test. I did, however bring massive amounts of tampons. You know, psych AF out with reverse psychology kind of stuff. You would not believe, however the number of times I squished my boobs hoping they'd be sore.

This morning: BFN. And a temp drop. No AF yet, but I'd be willing to bet she's a-comin. No cramps yet, just a backache.

How do I feel? Well normally at this point each month, I sob uncontrollably and mope for a couple of days. Today? Eh. I convinced myself it wouldn't happen this cycle already. So low expectations = not such a dramatic reaction, right? Still bummed, but hopeful that maybe I'll get a BFP to ring in the new year.

Also, there's an upside. (Gotta learn to see the silver lining, right?) We have the opportunity for another Europe trip next summer with the in-laws in August. So, if it doesn't happen by February or so, we get to go to Europe. That'll be my third year in a row-- how awesome! Also, my OBGYN appointment is in February, so another month of no BFP is a month closer to starting to figure out what is going wrong.

And so we march on to Month 6...


A little late is better than never, right? (We were out of town visiting Mr. M's family for the holiday, so please forgive my late blogging.)

Though I gripe about TTC, I really am very thankful. Thankful for a husband who is amazingly supportive and positive. Thankful for a marriage that has gotten stronger through the challenges of the last year. Thankful to still have my job through a bad economy. Thankful for my baby puppies, who always know how to bring a smile to my face, even through my tears. Thankful for my home, always warm, comforting. Thankful for friends, who though they don't know all of the ups and downs of the last year, always know how to make me laugh. Thankful for family, especially those that are only related by marriage. I could not have married into a kinder, more generous, loving family. Thankful for my health, and that of my husband.

Especially thankful that hope springs eternal, and that I know someday we will have a child. I just don't know when or how. Thankful that through it all, I'm learning some good life lessons.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I do NOT respect the Turkey

I've always been one to want to decorate for Christmas ASAP. Halloween is over? Let's break out the stockings! Usually I restrain myself long enough to make it through Thanksgiving... but only for Mr. MMM's sake.

This year, however we're mixing it up, and heading out of town for the full holiday weekend. To make things even more complex, we're booked every weekend through December. So last weekend, while Mr. MMM was at a football game, I busted out the decorations. The only things left are putting ornaments on the tree and the lights outside.


Month 5

So, we're on month 5 of TTC. We started this journey hopeful. After all, almost everyone we know was able to get pregnant right away. So this should be easy, right? In the back of my mind, the fear was already there, the fear that I think most women have: what if it's not so easy for us?

Over three years ago, right after we got married theknot kicked me over to thenest. And the obsession began. I went off of birth control, read Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and we started charting to avoid. I read all kinds of posts from women dealing with IF. I became a reader of IF bloggers, and since you don't know until you try, figured the next best thing was to see if I was ovulating. And I was. Score! We talked and talked about timelines, changed our minds a few times, and finally this summer said we were ready. Wouldn't it be fun if we got pregnant on our UK vacation?

Yeah... well, five months later and we're here. The last four months, I've gotten excited about phantom symptoms, tried countless ways to "boost" fertility, calculated possible due dates, mused ways to tell our family based on what events were three months away... and ended each month crushed, heartbroken and depressed.

This month, after a particularly crushing October, I decided I needed to detach a bit from our TTC journey. No more planning nurseries in my head. No more daydreaming about babies and pregnancy. No more ensuring that the clothes I'm buying would accommodate a baby bump. If we're going to be in this for the long haul, I can't fall apart month after month. Mr. MMM thinks it's a little sad-- that this should be an exciting time for us. But what if month five is followed by six. And ten. And fourteen.

Don't get me wrong-- the minute I have a reason to be happy, I'll be over the moon thrilled. Right now, I'm just coping.

Here we go, here we go, here we go again!

So I've tried this blogging thing several times. I've blogged about my life for friends and family. I've blogged about my crafts and decorating. I've blogged just for me about our TTC journey. And I'm tired of all the different blogs. I need to go one place to get it all out. So here I am, world. I'll blog about anything and everything that comes across my mind. And if people want to read it, great. And if not, that's okay too.