Sunday, November 11, 2012

11 weeks

Well, kiddo.  We're still on a roller coaster for sure, but it's been better this week.  I have great, happy, positive moments, and sad, worried stressed moments, but I'm trying to error on the side of positive.  I'm having trouble with how to pray about this...   Do I pray that it stays small and we can take care of it at the c-section?  (Less risk to you overall, but if it's cancer it could spread)  Do I pray we go in and take the cyst our while I'm pregnant?  (Because if it's cancer, than at least it's OUT!)  Ugh.  I just want you to be safe, and me too.  Anyway... trying not to think about it.

This week my symptoms started to mellow out, thank goodness.  Less breast pain, less cravings, and less food aversions. Woohoo! Most of my clothes still fit (yay!) but it's getting harder and harder to hide at work. And especially with my transition to a new job I'd like to keep it under wraps a little longer, but you might not let me!

Best part of this week:  hearing you for the first time on the doppler at 11 weeks exactly.  I've been trying once a week for the last couple of weeks, and it was wonderful and reassuring to find you. I try not to use it very often, so I will probably wait to try again until before my next appt... just have to make it through this week and then we get to see you on u/s again!

Prayers, prayers, prayers!!!

Friday, November 2, 2012

10 weeks

Okay, kiddo.  Please don't be mad at your momma.  It has been a crazy and scary last few weeks...

I didn't do a 7 week post, because we were scheduled for our ultrasound at 7w5d.  I figured better to update after that.  Plus with the cyst, and news that some skin biopsies I had done came back abnormal, I was one hell of a mess.  No sleep, crying, freaking out that I was falling apart and so were you.

So we went to our appointment. Daddy had to run to join us after class, and was a little late, but we waited to start the u/s until he was there.  And we were so very happy and thankful to see your sweet little heart.  And while we would have loved twins again, we both sighed in relief that there was JUST ONE OF YOU!  It's been a dream of mine to not only have another pregnancy, but do it with just one baby this time.  Again, not that your brother and sister aren't amazing, but it's a different experience, I'm sure, to just have one at a time.  You had a beautiful heartbeat in the 140s, were measuring between 6w3d and 7w (she said it was hard to get you to stretch out), and were developing well.

But.  Some of the things on the u/s weren't looking right.  I had a bleed behind your sac (she called it an implantation bleed).  She said it was small and looked like it was resolving on its own, but still we paused.  There were also white lines of your sac.  We had the NP for this appt, not the u/s tech, and she said that it could be that there was a setting off, but she couldn't be sure.  The cyst was still there, and luckily maintaining size instead of growing.  That's good news.  But we also saw what looked like bumps or cysts or something in the uterus with you.  Again, she said that a doctor had mentioned that they saw the lines on a sac earlier in the week, and that it might be a setting.

Then she told me that if I started bleeding at all I was to call right away and tell whoever I was talking to that she said I needed to come in ASAP.  And when she checked us out, she said that we needed to come back in two weeks to be seen again.  And that "we need to get you through the first trimester."

What a blow.  We walked out with our pictures of little you and didn't know what to say.  Daddy had to go pick up your siblings from school, so I went next door for my bloodwork alone.  And that started a really scary two weeks.  Worries about you.  Are you healthy?  Is something wrong?  the NP said she had never seen anything like that before.  That can't be good.  I still have a HUGE cyst.  What if it's cancer?  What if it ruptures? Terses? I have to have emergency surgery in the first trimester? For a week I freaked out, and for a week, I prayed.  And God is amazing.  He gave me hope when we couldn't get pregnant.  He gave me not one, but two precious babies.  And He carried them to term and brought me beautiful, precious gifts.  And then he helped us have you, with no medical intervention.  And every time I pray to Him not to abandon me, not to leave me, to help guide me, He does.  I was able to calm down a bit until my next appt.

So, at 9w3d, we were back at the doctor.  Another u/s and you looked great.  Although, the tech told me I had to breathe b/c your heart rate was up and she didn't want me passing out. :) Measuring 9w, you are a little gummy bear.  Arm buds, leg buds, and a big old head. :) Just the way you are supposed to be.  Cyst is still there, and grew slightly, but still slowly.  And we're hoping for slow or no growth, so that's not bad.  I also got to see the Dr, and thank goodness.  I know I was lead to go to her for a reason.  She's just so kind and caring and is great at putting me at ease.  And when I asked her about cancer, she showed me all the reasons she doesn't think it is cancer on the picture.  And we talked about some what-ifs,  but she helped calm me down.  She said you look great, that it's official that I'm pregnant, and even wanted to schedule your c-section. (You have to come out that way too b/c of the cyst, which we hope will be able to stay a reasonable size and be removed at your delivery.)

With that, I've been doing better.  More sleep (though you still do not like to let me sleep through the night), less worry, and more resolve that you are going to be a healthy outside baby in late May.  I brought home your most recent pictures, and we showed your brother and sister.  They started calling you gummy bear, a safe name that won't tip others off just yet.  And also very appropriate, as I've been craving gummy candy (bears, worms, etc.) like CRAZY.

This is also why we have no belly pictures yet. I couldn't bear to look at them if something were to happen.  And also because I am already huge (thank you second pregnancy, cyst, and eating carbs again!) and feel ridiculous being this size at 10 weeks.  But when we see you at 12 weeks, we'll start. 

I love you little kiddo-- hang in there and stay safe!!