Monday, March 29, 2010

ugh today.

So as part of my be-happy-think-positive goal, I'm trying to de-stress. To de-guilt. To make decisions that are best for me and not worry so much about what people think.

That's harder than it sounds, by the way.

And today is one of them. I know I made the right decision. But I'm still feeling guilty.


More and more lately I find myself fantasizing about not working. Or working in a place where I'm not so stressed out. Or one where I could wear jeans. Or at least khakis. One where I don't take my job home. And that's okay. I feel like I have to stay pretty focused on the corporate track right now because of what Mr. M is doing for a living. But in a year or two, God willing, that will hopefully change. And then I don't need to really be the breadwinner. Granted, I need to make money still, but I can do things a bit more at my own pace, without the pressure to stick with something that I don't really enjoy just to bring home the bacon. And don't get me wrong-- I'm not making that much bacon. I can't wait for a change...

Friday, March 26, 2010

today's happiness

so today, my friend called (the one that is pregnant with twins) to tell me that it's a boy and a girl.

and (wait for it.........)

I was really happy for her.

No jealousy passed through my mind. No why-not-mes. Just sheer joy and excitement for her. I told her I wanted to see ultrasound pictures, and I meant it.

thank god I'm not totally loosing it. I was so thrilled that I was happy for her, I called Mr. M to tell him. And when he asked if I was okay, I said "Yes!" And I meant it.

the wonders of modern veggies.

So, my old blog had a lot of random posts about musings as well as recaps of what was going on in our life.

I miss that. It was normal.

Now I've been hanging out here being all depressing and shit.

So here we go: normalcy.

Last night, in a fit of ohshitwhatdoImakefordinner, I happened to have the ingredients for PW's awesome burgers (that make my husband LOVE me, buy the way. and want to run away with Ree... but I digress) and figured that with all that blue cheese awesomeness, we'd better eat something green. Cause you know. It's the adult thing to do.

I've gotten to be a cheater lately with the veggies. I didn't use to make them (bad, M! BAD!) because they are so much trouble to chop/steam/whatever, and we'd do a salad or something instead. But then I discovered the glorious wonder of STEAM BAGS in the frozen section. You know, the already prepped, cooks in 4 minutes, in the same bag it came in, extra dish and effort free solution! WOOHOO!

Honestly, I'm kind of scared that we'll get plastic poisoning or cancer or whatever the hell BPA gives you from heating our food in inflatable plastic bags, but the convenience can't be beat, and hey. It brought broccoli back into the mix.

So anyway, last night, I pulled my new find from the freezer to give it a try. We've had all kinds of stuff, but for the first time at T*arget the other day, I found asparagus in a steam bag! And I have this awesome recipe for asparagus where you broil it with lemon juice and goat cheese that is to.die.for, so I figured this couldn't be that different, right?

4.5 minutes later, psyched for dinner, I load up our plates and we sit down... to mushy asparagus. GROSS. What happened? It was all soggy and gross and made me feel like I was eating veggies that had been sitting at the bottom of my fridge for a week and a half.

SO, in summary:
Steam-in-bag veggies: FanFREAKINGtastic
Steam-in-bag asparagus: don't do it unless you want to gag

Thursday, March 25, 2010

to our future children

today a friend of mine mentioned that when she was little, she used to tell her parents "I wish you never adopted me!" and that made me think. think about the journey we're on. think about how I probably said the same thing (except it was "I wish you weren't my parents!" or maybe even "I bet I was an accident and you didn't even want me!"). and then I thought about you. our future children. the ones we so desperately want. the ones we cry because we don't have each month. the ones we would give our everything (and will give our everything) to have.

I hope you always know how much you are wanted. and I think that the bitter makes the sweet even better. so I hope that when you do say those things (because kids always say those things) that we keep our patience, and remember that even though it might be tough to be a parent, that this is what we have longed for, and will be ever so thankful for. and that we share with you how much we wanted you and waited and tried to bring you into the world, into our family.

your future mom

a different take on things

so today I was thinking about how I felt yesterday. and I didn't like it. I was able to be a part of several conversations with my coworkers today that centered on babies and my coworker's pregnancy and be truly happy for her. and to me that was a great relief. as I was walking to a meeting after one of these conversations, I started thinking about another friend/former coworker who went through IF. yesterday on her blog, she posted a link to a devotional that she felt was a good one for those going through IF, and even though I'm not a big scripture person, I thought I'd check it out. it was about the wait. and god's timing. and that keeping faith during that wait keeps you protected. and that in the end, god has perfect timing. I want to believe that's right. and then on my post-work treadmill jaunt today, I turned on O*prah, who happened to have J*enn*a Ja*mi*son on as a guest. and guess what. it took her 10 years to get pregnant.

I keep hearing more and more stories of those who didn't have the easiest route to getting pregnant. I don't know if it's just that I'm hearing more because I'm more aware of IF now, but I'd like to think they're signs. signs to be patient. signs to keep hoping. signs that it WILL happen for us.

and so today, as I walked to that meeting, I decided to try to focus on this as a time to prepare for a child. a time to be as ready as we can and focus on how loved this child will be when it's time. I can't promise I will be able to stay focused on this, but I'm hoping to try. because our future children are wanted with all of our hearts.

I also feel there is some truth in speaking things into being and that what you focus on most is what you get more of. and I've been working against that for the last, oh, 7 or 8 months. so it's time to try to retrain our focus. and not allow the worry and the stress to take the lead. but try to keep the hope, and our love for one another and our desire to have children, and anticipation for the day that WILL come for us in the forefront.

and my hope is that next cycle I can say, well, this isn't it, but we're one month closer to meeting our child.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

so, it happened.

today I found out that my one co-worker that doesn't have kids is pregnant. I'd been suspecting that for a while, and even suspected that she was having trouble (she hinted that they were TTC to me back in Nov. of 08), and I'm thrilled for her. After the fact, she even told me today that she'd had a miscarriage last fall. :( The thing is, while I'm happy for her, and it's one more story of someone who had trouble getting pregnant finding success which gives me hope, I still am wallowing a bit. The hardest part is that she made her announcement in a meeting, and I had to give an update after her, and so everyone turned to me and said "soooooooo...! Do YOU have an update?!?"

As much as that stings, it tells me they have no clue, which is good because I'd rather it be that way than everyone walking on eggshells around me, but talk about rough. It's hard to play that off (which I later confirmed I did well with my friend who does know) and say "don't hold your breath on that one! You all saw me drink a beer yesterday at happy hour!" without crying.

And I hate that I have mixed emotion. I wish I could JUST be happy for her. No wallowing. Just happy. It's hard because it just reminds me where we're at. And with this month being frustrating (a temp shift? but no + opk? but EWCM is gone already (as usual)?? okay, there's the +. wait, did I o yet? UGH) and the looming cost of our next round of testing, it's too much to handle.

And so I'm trying to stay positive. And trying not to become the depressing infertile. BLAH.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

around the house

I'm so proud of how much we've gotten done around here lately! We've lived in our home for a few years now, and did most of the work when we moved in, but in the last couple of months, we've been more willing to tackle other little projects that we'd put off...

First up, we put a new ceiling fan in our dining room. For the record, I want to say that I HATE having a ceiling fan in our dining room, but Mr. M loves it, and it does help with air circulation in our house. SO I gave in, since we found one that was decent-looking. :) Next up, I've been trying for FOREVER to get him to agree to re-do our home office. Mr. M works from home about 60% of the time and had the room to himself. I had my desk in another room, and in anticipation of having a baby (HA!) I moved my desk out. That left my little laptop homeless, and me without a place to pay bills, etc. After some convincing, I got Mr. M to agree to re-do his office and allow me a small workstation in the corner. While getting the furniture set up, hilarity ensued, (maybe I'll share that story at some point...), but it's all set up now and we LOVE it. Then yesterday, on a bit of a whim, I got him to agree to put a new medicine cabinet up in our master bath. The one we had was tiny and ugly UGLY fake oak. When I went to take off a note I had taped to the frame, I found out the "oak" was paper. YUCK. 20 minutes later, we have a large, beveled mirror that covers most of the wall and provides TONS of storage. I hadn't seen the counter top in that bathroom in ages, and I'm thrilled with how clean it all looks now.

I would still love to: replace our counter tops in the kitchen, replace 3 windows, get a buffet for the living room, recover a chair, and put down new base boards, but we have to be realistic... We're only planning on living here for another year or two, so I hate to sink too much into the house. But with what we've done in the last month, this place is SO much more wonderful to live in. (It's the little things, right?) I would be thrilled if we could get everything else done around here... The problem we're running into is money. We have it, but we're hesitant to spend it because we were saving for a baby/are saving for fertility treatments/might have the opportunity for an investment soon that we would like to make. Lately we've found REALLY good deals, so that's helped, and I think we've both loosened up a bit about it... but still.

Saturday, March 20, 2010


I was starting to think I'd gotten into a routine with this TTC thing... be depressed early in the month, chill out for a couple of weeks, try to baby make/scrutinize OPKs/freak out about taking my temp too early/late, chill for a few more days, try not to start googling symptoms, try not to test, AF shows up.

This month, I'm thrown for a loop. All of my bloodwork has come back okay, except for the slightly low progesterone. Which is making me wonder about the OPKs... when I called and talked to the nurse after that result, she asked if I had gotten my period yet? (no) Had I gotten positive OPKs (yes). Did I need medicine to make me have periods (no). Did I get breakthrough bleeding or spotting (no). Hmmmmokay.... So now, I'm at CD18, at which point I'm usually getting close to positive OPKs, and nothing. BUT, I had a temp spike today. It could be random, but I'm way thrown off.

Oh, and did I mention I had spotting the other day? What is that about? Can low progesterone be a self-fulfilling prophecy? To my body, I say: W.T.F.

And to make matters even better, the whole two-day depression thing has been a little longer this month and has come in random spurts. I will cry at the drop of a hat. The Train song Soul Sister has me in tears every time I hear it. I have no idea why. Last night I told Mr. M that I feel like my heart is broken. And I really meant it. I'm a freaking wreck. Magnify that by the fact that almost no one (ESPECIALLY my family) has any clue what's going on, so I have to be all happy and cheery and "oh, everything is great. I'm not trying really hard right now to not bite your head off/start sobbing." Which just makes things worse.

I'm trying to focus on other things... but that's hard. Even looking at other people's baby pictures on facebook has me upset-- that never used to happen. I'm scared this is the beginning of the bitter/can't talk about kids/no longer relate to friends with children IF stuff. And I SOOOO do not want to go there. I'm trying really hard not to.

Next step: HSG. I was a day to late when I heard back from the doctor this month, so this month we have nothing, but come early April, at least there's a next step. I cannot wait to get to the bottom of this, but I'm still scared of what we might find. And the funny thing is that I'm not scared of getting shots in my ass or drug side-effects; I'm worried about the cost.

In other news:
We spent last weekend out of town with my siblings-in-law celebrating St. Patrick's Day. Had a great time. Got drunk. (something I haven't done in quite a while) Had a crazy week.

Trying to work out more, eat healthier, cut down on meat and dairy. Hope that makes me feel less sluggish, and maybe loose a few pounds too. Before we started TTC, I lost about 20 pounds... and I've managed to gain it all back. Yikes. My summer clothes are NOT going to fit unless I do something drastic...

Still so very, VERY thankful for my wonderful husband who is with me through the highs and lows, loves me unconditionally, and is just the most perfect wonderful person I could have ever found to spend my life with. Here's to hoping that soon we'll be able to move on to the next phase of our lives...with kiddos.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Month 9

Here we are in month 9. Had we been successful with our first attempts back when we were on our European vacation last summer, we'd be preparing for a new arrival very soon. Instead, we're still trying. And we won't stop any time soon. :)

Last Friday marked more bloodwork. Still waiting to hear those results. Was doing okay, except now our "plan" is complete (testing is done) and we don't have next steps. Have I mentioned I'm a gal with a plan? I don't do well without one. I'm constantly planning everything. This has been one big lesson in "you can't plan everything." However, I'd feel a whole lot better if we had a medical plan for what to test/try next.

In the mean time, I'm trying to do what I can. I've been freaked out to work out the last few months, afraid that I'm going to mess something up. I've decided that until someone tells me that 's the case, I can't use that as an excuse anymore, and I need to be eating healthier and working out. I started back to that tonight. I'm going to try to work out when I get home as often as I can, and am trying to cut way back on meat and dairy and focus on getting my whole grains, fruit and veggies. I've cut out all caffeine, and am trying not to drink alcohol, except during AF (when I KNOW I'm not PG) and when I feel like I need to b/c we're in front of people. I know that last bit is silly, but I can't take the questions.

There's so much emotion charging through my body each month. It's a roller coaster. My dear, sweet friend texted me the other day about a silly inside joke, and I know she was thinking of me and what we're going through. And as it turns out, my two friends that know that have kids also happen to be the ones who got pregnant the first month they tried. For this friend in particular, it was both times they wanted to get pregnant. And her text made me smile. It's so wonderful to know that someone that cares about you is thinking about you. The other friend said the other day that she wished she knew the right words to say to make me feel better. And the truth is, there are no right words. But instead of getting frustrated with my fertile friends, and being jealous, and resenting their happiness, and wishing that I was them, and telling them that they have NO IDEA what I'm going through, I'm choosing to appreciate their support. And to understand that they may not totally get it, but they love me and want to support me. And I think while they don't have a clue what it's like to be in this situation, they do realize how horrible it would be if their children weren't in their lives. I chose very carefully who I wanted to share this with, and I chose these friends for a reason. I trust them. Though they don't get it, they will try. And no matter what, they'll be supportive.

waiting, wishing, and hoping...

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

10 dpo.

10 dpo. Just couldn't blog yesterday, though I got our test results. Good news= Mr. M rocked it out. I kind of rocked it out. Still waiting to hear back about next steps from my Dr. Busy with work. Thinking I need to keep reducing stress. Have good job opportunities at my fingertips, but timing isn't right... I can't take on the stress of a change and added responsibility at this point. Feeling cramps. Dropping temp. Period is coming. Thankful for my excellent, supportive, loving husband. Thank the good Lord for him daily. Feeling fat. Trying to stay out of doldrums. Need Spring. Need Spring BAD. Blah.