Sunday, March 27, 2011

Welcome to the world.

Thursday, March 17th we welcomed two tiny precious people into our lives forever.  Our world will never be the same... :)  How overwhelming, wonderful, amazing, exhausting, and totally unbelievable. Sweet babies, I can't believe our dream finally came true.

Our first week and a half has been a roller coaster.  Everyone was healthy and minus a heart rate issue in recovery (for me), all three of us did really well.  Our hospital stay was overwhelming to say the least.  Babies are doing well, but after very successful breastfeeding, I am still mourning the need to introduce a bottle so soon thanks to needing to boost their weight a bit.  We're still trying though.  I think O will be fine, but N I'm not so sure will ever give it up.   But all that matters is that they're now growing great.

We aren't really sleeping, so we're both a mess, and I go to tears at the drop of a hat.  I love these babies so much, and cannot imagine my world without them.  I savor the sweet coos and snuggles, and I just want to hold them close forever.  At the same time, our every three hour feeding schedule (times two, fed separately since we need to focus on making sure each is latching well, eating enough, etc.) is running us (and especially me) ragged.  The days FLY by in an endless cycle of diaper change, latch, nurse, bottle, burp, swaddle, rock, nap, pump and do it all again anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half later.  It's frustrating, and I feel like I'm having an identity crisis.  I know it's going to be a VERY long road if I revert to this whenever things are hard, but I keep thinking about how easy parents of one have it.  At some point we will go back to tandem nursing (which was going well in the hospital), but until that day comes it's this long process.  And then I cry all over again because the days ARE flying by and I only have 10 weeks home, and since it wasn't easy to get pregnant the first time, and who knows if there will be more babies in our future.  And I want to savor and enjoy all of it.  But I wish it away or get frustrated with it because I'm living the life of a milk machine with little to no sleep. 

Things are so crazy, we haven't even really had visitors other than our immediate family.  We planned to have people visit in the hospital, but it was too much.  And now it's still too much.  This last week I would have been rocking in a corner of our basement if it wasn't for my mom who is taking time off to help us. Finding a new normal seems so far away.  We've been out twice (both doctors appointments) and it's been crazy (start getting ready at 5 AM for a 9:45 appointment?!!) but has also felt good.  I'm down 35lbs already and can do a whole lot more than I could when I was on bedrest.  I can't wait to find that normal (and some freaking sleep!), but again, even thinking that, I want to snuggle in with my babies on my chest and freeze time. 

I'm so thankful for my amazing husband who is an equal partner in all of this.  No way could I do this (or anything, ever) without him.  He's up rocking babies and changing diapers with the best of them.  And when the tears start, he's right there to give me a hug and tell me it will all be alright.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Here we are... 37 weeks!

No way.  So glad we made it. 
Still nervous, but getting more excited to meet them.  They were super-kicky today, so that helps.  Having lots more contractions and sleeping now is HARD.  The more I think about it, the better it sounds to no longer be pregnant.  I have lots of nervousness about surgery and the babies' health, but I know it's all going to be okay.  I'll feel a lot better when they're out and healthy.  I keep trying to remind myself of where I was a year ago- praying that it would happen for us and willing to do anything to make it happen.  Well here's where I get called on the carpet.
The goal now is to make it to my scheduled section this week so I can have my own doctor.... fingers crossed!!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Holy crap, we made it to 36!

This is the date I've been dreaming of since the beginning.  I just kept praying "PLEASE let us make it to 36!!!"  And we're here. WOW.

I'm still freaking out-- they could come any time now.  I really really want them to wait until next week (HOLY CRAP!!!!!).  I'm seriously having lots of moments of panic about it.  I'm huge, I still itch (thank you PUPPPs), I'm exhausted, and I feel like an incubator.  And it would make the most sense, after all we went through, after the frustration and tears and praying for these little miracles, for me to be SO excited to meet them.  But rather than be excited, I'm scared.  I'm really hoping that the minute we see them, that will all change.  It feels so unnatural to feel this way.

I think part of the problem is not believing it's real.  We fought and wanted this, and then it was surreal to find out we were pregnant.   And then that it was twins.  And then I worried and planned and was concerned about every moment, hoping they were growing enough, that they were still healthy, that my body would hold out, that I wouldn't have to be pulled out of work early, that they wouldn't come before 36 weeks.  And that's all been fine.  But I think it's also made me scared to get too attached.  There's always something that could happen, and I still can't believe it's true.  How horrible is that.  I've been holding back from connecting with these babies because I'm scared. 

My prayers now are that they wait until their scheduled c-section, and that the moment I see them, I feel connected.  I feel so unmotherly.  Who feels like this???

This week has been calm and uneventful, other than the stuff I mentioned in the last post.  On bedrest, and resting a lot.  Lots of laying down, showers to stop the itching, and trying to relax.  This weekend I tried to rest too. All of the little things are too much now, though.  Friday we went to my parents' house to celebrate my future SIL's birthday, and I was wiped out.  Wearing jeans is exhausting now!  Yesterday, we went to Target to get a few things that I couldn't just tell Mr. M to get (I had to pick out) and that was taxing.  I really swear I'm done with going out other than to doctors appointments. 

Today, B has been really quiet.  I'm not sure if it's positioning, or just a quiet day. We even broke out the doppler to check, and got his HB right away, so I'm sure he's fine, but A has been moving up a storm.  I have felt him move some, but not with the vigor that has been normal lately. I'm glad we have an appointment tomorrow and a NST/fluid check on Tuesday.  I don't know what I would do if we didn't have all of this at the end-- I need the reassurance that they're doing okay. 

Thinking good thoughts for the rest of the week, and hoping I don't write the words "they're here!" until some time in week 37!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

35 weeks, still a slacker, and things go a little crazy

So Sunday marked 35 weeks. YAY!
Last Thursday night, I started to notice that the itchiness I had on my lower belly (attributed to stretch marks and growing twins) started to spread.  And I was covered in spots.  And it was BAD.  I thought about calling Friday, but figured I was fine... I was staying at home and thought i would rest it out.  But it kept getting worse.  Then it was the weekend.  Still worse.  I could not stop itching. I was waking up in the middle of the night scratching, making it worse.  I tried Benedryl and cortisone cream as my Dr. had suggested for the itch at the last appt, but it wasn't helping.  Lots of googling later, I figured it was PUPPS.  I started trying all kinds of remedies I found on the internet: pine tar soap, some serna lotion I'd never heard of before, showering 3 times a day, drinking V8...  Saturday I was in tears it was so bad, and Mr. M got me to call the exchange.  Nothing else I can really do. Ugh.  Monday was a Dr's appt, and I got a prescription, but first she wanted to check my liver.  Apparently there is a liver disorder that MoMs can develop...lots of scary things can happen... blah.  SO, liver tests.  And thank GOD my liver is fine.  Babies can stay in a little longer.

That pretty much sums up the big stuff from last week...
Also finally realized that I'm going to be awake during surgery. Yikes. I'm excited for the babies to come but oy. I've had surgery a few times before, and I always tell them to just knock me out, and I'll be fine.  I DON"T GET KNOCKED OUT THIS TIME. YIKES. I'm going to be a mess-- just calling that one now.  As soon as they're out and fine, I'm sure I won't care at all that I'm being stitched up, but before I will be a mess. Lord, please help me stay calm and let everything go well. 
Two more weeks, babies!!!