Thursday, January 14, 2010

rollin right along

part way through January. days from ovulation. just letting it happen. ordered making babies... interested what it has to say. i kind of feel like this cycle is doomed to be a wash, since my dr's appointment is next month. can't wait for that. thinking i want to start telling some close friends when we start to get a diagnosis. if we get one. but i feel like i need to have some answers or be on the way to them before i start telling people.

i want to say it a million times a day- i think it would explain a lot. it's killing me to keep it a secret. especially when i was sitting with my co-workers today, including one who just came back from maternity leave this week, as they talked about how to cure their babies dry skin with aquaphor. that's when it hit me- i'm the only childless one. that's hard.

so. cycle 7. stopped at walgreens today and went ahead and stocked up on baby-making supplies. it's getting old going twice a month: once for tests, and once for OPKs and tampons.

oh. and add to that: work has been good lately. fulfilling. manageable. like somewhere i could stay for a while longer. a few of us had a discussion today about how we all feel the other shoe is about to drop. let's just say i've been keeping my eyes open for other opportunities. but the thought of changing jobs and/or employers right now is pretty crazy. hopefully things will just happen the way they're supposed to happen...

Sunday, January 10, 2010

mmmm beer

The upside of not being pregnant yet = I can still drink really good beer. The first few months we were trying, I would always try to end the month on a good beer. Because, of course, that might be my last beer! And how depressing would it be if my last beer was something like a Bud Light? :) So silly. Now I don't care if my last beer is a PBR-- I'd just like a BFP.

But, that meant a lovely date night with Mr. M, enjoying pints of a local brew and some good dinner. Always a silver lining, right.

In other news, also silver lining and beer related, we might get the opportunity to go on another European vacation this summer. The last two summers, I've been to Europe. How spoiled are we? The first was with my mom and sister, and last summer it was with Mr. M. This time it's with the in-laws. We've talked about it, and to us, it's a no-brainer that we'll still try to get pregnant, because no trip to anywhere is worth missing a month that might be the one. ...But what a lovely consolation prize if it still hasn't happened.

As a side note (not that this whole thing isn't a bunch of side-notes... I'm so random)I've decided this is my favorite part of a cycle. Post-AF, pre what we call "sex week," and before I get my hopes up. The TWW sucks. So here I am, in cycle bliss. :)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

oh yeah, internets:

I forgot to tell you. I had my first person-I-know-in-real-life-trying-for-less-time-than-us-gets-pregnant situation. It's a good friend, and while I am THRILLED for them, I was on CD 2 and still in crying/cramping/depressed mode. I managed to hold it together and sincerely express excitement and ask questions, etc. I know I'm not the first to go through it, and this may happen many more times before we get our BFP, but ouch. Trying to be hopeful and spin these thoughts to "how awesome- maybe we'll get to be pregnant together!"

As a side note, it's getting hard to keep from giving myself away. I know way too much about TTC/pregnancy for someone who is supposedly "so not ready for kids yet." I've always been a vault for other peoples' secrets, but mine... I'm horrible. Must get better at my poker face...

Also, I'm starting to think about telling people. I still don't want to until after I go to the doctor and we start to get an idea of if there's an issue/what it is, but... still. It's so hard to not tell anyone. I'm trying to remind myself that the hell of having my mother give me guilt trips over how much she's worrying and being asked if "this month worked" or not. Blah. Let's just get knocked up already!


Today, I am thankful for:
The good news we got re: a medical test for Mr. M.
My puppies.
Heating pads. (Cramps BLOW.)

Reality TV and Pregancy?

So in order to write this post, I have to admit that I watch trashy TV. Specifically, Giuli*na and Bill. And it's not like I was bored and clicked around and found it. I totally DVR'd it. I'll wait while you laugh your ass off about that.

Ok, ready? So I'm watching the show, and it turns out they're TTC. So I make a snarky comment to Mr. M that "of course they share that with the whole world on TV, and I'm sure they get knocked up right away because it's so perfect and easy for everyone else. I don't know if I can watch this." But of course I do, because let's get real: it's trashy TV. Not like Jers*y Shore or anything. Which I also watched the other day, but that was because there was a marathon and Per*z Hilton has been talking about someone named "Sn*oky" lately, and I had no idea what was going on. I am most certainly not a follower of trashy pop culture. And I would never subscribe to something like People. (Hey- it's not like US Weekly or something! People is the classy trash magazine!) But I digress...

So I'm watching the show, and they get to the "this season on Giuli*na and Bill..." part. In which I see: vaginal ultrasounds, doctor's offices, the words "we're trying to have a baby and it's not going so well," and see what may or may not be a progesterone shot. Hmmm. Okay, that just earned them some street cred in my book. They probably got some early medical intervention (which we're not at yet, but I'm now counting down the days until my OBGYN appointment... I'm ready to start finding ANSWERS!) but still, that's not "we've tried for three months and must be infertile." Alright. Not that I wish that upon anyone-- I wish it was easy for ALL to get pregnant if they want to, but I can feel for them.

To top it all off, I went back to DVR the series (shut up) and there's an upcoming episode called "Operation Ovulation." Yeah, I think maybe I could watch this show. And honestly, not having seen all this IF stuff yet, and solely based upon the preview, I'm thankful someone is putting it out there. Like somewhere besides Oct*mom or the Discovery Ch*nnel. IF is not freakish. It's a reality. For lots of people.

Side note: I know we may not be considered IF (yet? ever? who knows) but still.

Friday, January 1, 2010

I feel her.

So. In a fit of got-my-period-life-sucks-crying-and-nausea, I needed a pick me up. Mr. M headed off to watch football, and I declined to join him... I'm just kind of a wet blanket today.

To make things better, I figured some time on the couch with an on-demand treat: Julie and Julia. Being a big blog reader, I wanted to see it when it came out, but hadn't ever. And since I was sans-husband, I figured why not. No one to duke it out with over which movie to rent. ;)

And wow. I feel Julie. Though I hear now, she's divorced, just wrote another book, and it's not all like what was in the movie. But I'm there. Bored. Ready for a life change. I thought that would be having children. Turns out you can't just make that one happen. So while we're still working on that goal, I need to figure something else out.

You know that whole work and life can't be bad at once or you're screwed thing I mentioned? Lately, mine has been both. I'm thrilled I have Mr. M on this journey-- I wouldn't make it without him. But now, I need some sort of change. Changing jobs isn't in the cards right now... so that's my new mission: Figure out what to do for some change around here.

Hopes for 2010:
  • Get finances in order.
  • Get healthy. We both have done well this last year, but it's really important we do that.
  • Find a passion. Mr. M is lucky enough to know his and be making a career out of it. I need something to be passionate about.
  • Become a parent. Mr. M is good about reminding me, even on the dark days, that it's so very important that we keep hope. And I think that's why I need a passion. I was set on my passion being my child. And someday, it will be. But at this very moment, it can't be. And I need something to distract my very impatient self while I wait for that passion to become a reality.
Doing what I do, I really should have SMARTer goals, but I'm good with these. Let's see how it goes...


I was really tempted to write "another one bites the dust," but as I started typing, it popped up as a title I'd previously used. So creative. ;)

So it's a new year. And it's about to be a new cycle. We're entering number 7. Maybe it's lucky #7? Let's hope so! I'm really getting to the point now where I'm tired. I don't know what else we can do. I'm so ready to get to February and my OBGYN appointment, it's not even funny. I'm ready to start getting some answers. I'm keeping my fingers crossed in the mean time....

Here's to a new year. A new start. And hopefully the year we become parents. :)