Sunday, March 6, 2011

Holy crap, we made it to 36!

This is the date I've been dreaming of since the beginning.  I just kept praying "PLEASE let us make it to 36!!!"  And we're here. WOW.

I'm still freaking out-- they could come any time now.  I really really want them to wait until next week (HOLY CRAP!!!!!).  I'm seriously having lots of moments of panic about it.  I'm huge, I still itch (thank you PUPPPs), I'm exhausted, and I feel like an incubator.  And it would make the most sense, after all we went through, after the frustration and tears and praying for these little miracles, for me to be SO excited to meet them.  But rather than be excited, I'm scared.  I'm really hoping that the minute we see them, that will all change.  It feels so unnatural to feel this way.

I think part of the problem is not believing it's real.  We fought and wanted this, and then it was surreal to find out we were pregnant.   And then that it was twins.  And then I worried and planned and was concerned about every moment, hoping they were growing enough, that they were still healthy, that my body would hold out, that I wouldn't have to be pulled out of work early, that they wouldn't come before 36 weeks.  And that's all been fine.  But I think it's also made me scared to get too attached.  There's always something that could happen, and I still can't believe it's true.  How horrible is that.  I've been holding back from connecting with these babies because I'm scared. 

My prayers now are that they wait until their scheduled c-section, and that the moment I see them, I feel connected.  I feel so unmotherly.  Who feels like this???

This week has been calm and uneventful, other than the stuff I mentioned in the last post.  On bedrest, and resting a lot.  Lots of laying down, showers to stop the itching, and trying to relax.  This weekend I tried to rest too. All of the little things are too much now, though.  Friday we went to my parents' house to celebrate my future SIL's birthday, and I was wiped out.  Wearing jeans is exhausting now!  Yesterday, we went to Target to get a few things that I couldn't just tell Mr. M to get (I had to pick out) and that was taxing.  I really swear I'm done with going out other than to doctors appointments. 

Today, B has been really quiet.  I'm not sure if it's positioning, or just a quiet day. We even broke out the doppler to check, and got his HB right away, so I'm sure he's fine, but A has been moving up a storm.  I have felt him move some, but not with the vigor that has been normal lately. I'm glad we have an appointment tomorrow and a NST/fluid check on Tuesday.  I don't know what I would do if we didn't have all of this at the end-- I need the reassurance that they're doing okay. 

Thinking good thoughts for the rest of the week, and hoping I don't write the words "they're here!" until some time in week 37!

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