Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Month 5

So, we're on month 5 of TTC. We started this journey hopeful. After all, almost everyone we know was able to get pregnant right away. So this should be easy, right? In the back of my mind, the fear was already there, the fear that I think most women have: what if it's not so easy for us?

Over three years ago, right after we got married theknot kicked me over to thenest. And the obsession began. I went off of birth control, read Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and we started charting to avoid. I read all kinds of posts from women dealing with IF. I became a reader of IF bloggers, and since you don't know until you try, figured the next best thing was to see if I was ovulating. And I was. Score! We talked and talked about timelines, changed our minds a few times, and finally this summer said we were ready. Wouldn't it be fun if we got pregnant on our UK vacation?

Yeah... well, five months later and we're here. The last four months, I've gotten excited about phantom symptoms, tried countless ways to "boost" fertility, calculated possible due dates, mused ways to tell our family based on what events were three months away... and ended each month crushed, heartbroken and depressed.

This month, after a particularly crushing October, I decided I needed to detach a bit from our TTC journey. No more planning nurseries in my head. No more daydreaming about babies and pregnancy. No more ensuring that the clothes I'm buying would accommodate a baby bump. If we're going to be in this for the long haul, I can't fall apart month after month. Mr. MMM thinks it's a little sad-- that this should be an exciting time for us. But what if month five is followed by six. And ten. And fourteen.

Don't get me wrong-- the minute I have a reason to be happy, I'll be over the moon thrilled. Right now, I'm just coping.

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