7 weeks

Early this past week, I was starting to wonder if I was still pregnant.  I think that's pretty normal... especially when you have twinges/tiny sporadic cramps and no symptoms.  But by this weekend, it was clear.  My boobs hurt so bad I kept waking up in the middle of the night when I tried to roll on my stomach.  I'm having food cravings.  And if I don't eat every 2-3 hours, I get headaches and feel sick.  Plus I had my first real (not just from brushing my teeth) gagging fits... over nothing. 

As much as these symptoms might not always be described as "fun," I'm so very thankful for them.  Thanks, little blueberry, for letting me know you're growing in there.  Keep it up!

I was planning on working from home the day of our first ultrasound, but a meeting came up that I have to go in for.  Good thing it's in the morning, and I can spend the rest of the afternoon (though still working...) with Mr. M.  16 days (including a 3-day work trip) to go until we (please God!!) hear a heartbeat!  I can't wait to see this little baby!

6 weeks

First, let's play catch up:

• Got numbers back on Monday the 26th. From when I had bloodwork done on Friday (11dpo) - hCG 49, Progesterone 50. Definitely pregnant.  Nurse said Progesterone is rockin', and though she said she couldn't guarantee, she felt like that number was a good sign baby isn't etopic. WOOT.
• Immediately asked if I could get another hCG to make sure my beta was doubling.  She was all over it, so I went in and had blood drawn again.  Especially since we were leaving Tuesday night to go out of the country, I wanted some numbers to make me feel better. Nurse said she wanted to see over 150.
• Oh yeah, and later that night I started spotting.
• Tuesday morning, I got the call:  Monday's bloodwork (14 dpo)- hCG 200.  I guess I really am pregnant.
• Had lots of conversation with the nurse about spotting (brown and very little pink).  No cramping with it.  Still freaking me out
• Spotting stops.  I go on vacation full of: sleeplessness, not eating at regular times, bouncy/windy car rides on the left side of the road, not drinking enough water, not being able to pee when I need to.  Lots of general stress. Many crying fits with my husband, worried that all of this craziness can't be good for the baby.  
• Symptoms (or just from all of the above craziness): nausea (better when I eat more often), sore boobs, face breaking out, bloating, having to pee all the time. YAY!  Because I am neurotic, I bring a good 10 pregnancy tests with me so I can keep testing to make sure the line gets darker.  Got to the point where it was super-dark and couldn't get darker.  Decided I'm insane.  But it made me feel better.
• Through all of this, Mr. M was FABULOUS.  Willing to stay back with me if I needed a nap or felt sick or wanted to come home early, even though I made him go a lot.  And genuine about it too. Not just "I'm offering because I'm supposed to" -- it was legit.  What a wonderful, wonderful man I married.

So here I am now, back in the US, and 6 weeks pregnant. WOW.  Still worried that baby isn't growing or that all of that craziness in the first few weeks of life are going to cause baby harm, but trying to calm down.  It's killing me that I have to wait until 9 weeks for my first ultrasound.  I can't wait to hear that itty bitty heartbeat. :)

starting to freak out.

What I kind of glossed over yesterday is the cautious news I got at the Dr's office. And how much it's kind of freaking me out.

It's early. We know that. We know that it's super early and there is a high risk of miscarriage.

But to add fuel to the fire... I have a higher risk of ectopic pregnancy because of my kinked right tube. The Dr wasn't able to get any dye to pass through it both times I had the HSG, but she mentioned that because of the kink, it was possible that I could ovulate on the right side, a sperm could make it where the dye couldn't, and the egg could get stuck.

Did I mention that when I ovulated this month, I had strong cramps on my right side?

The Dr. said that my bloodwork would give us a better idea of what we were dealing with. But I did it on Friday. Which means no answers until Monday. Yikes.

And I keep feeling twinges. On my right side. Which could be my crazy brain playing tricks. But still.

Crossing our fingers, and praying harder than we've ever prayed that this baby is in my uterus and not somewhere else...

1 day shy of 4 weeks pregnant.

holy crap.

Today was my post-op appointment. This month, we tried, since we didn't want to miss a month, but I wasn't holding out most hope. When I ovulated, I cramped on the right side, and I figured it was a loss. Everything else went right (good EWCM, progesterone levels back at 25, great timing, etc.) Since I had an appointment this morning (11dpo), and we're going on vacation next week, I thought to myself "I'll just test. It'll probably be negative, but on the far off chance it's positive, it would be good to know since I'll be there anyway."

So I sleepily went to the bathroom. And took a test like I always do. And tried to keep my mind busy reading the test insert while I waited. And then I looked at the test.

And where I've seen a stark-white, no chance in hell you're pregnant space before, there was a line. My first thought was "thank you, God for never abandoning us!" The second thought was "holy crap!!" And then I started shaking.

Luckily I had PIAC (sorry, TMI), so I took a digital. Surely so soon it wouldn't say positive yet, right? And on the screen I've cursed so many times for telling me with very little tact "not pregnant," there it was:

PREGNANT

No freakin way. So I took the other FRER. And another line. WOW

I always thought I would tell Mr. M in a fun way, I ran into our bedroom at 5:30 a.m. and the conversation went like this:

"baby?"
"hmmmrmm?"
"babe!" (frantic and ugly crying)
"what?!"
"we need to go to church every sunday for the rest of our lives!"
"why"
"because we're going to have a baby!"
"what?!"

And then I cried. And then he woke up.

WOW.

I'm feeling positive. We both feel like this is unreal. At my appointment, I had a ton of blood drawn so we should have levels back on Monday. How I'm going to make it until then, I'm not sure. My doctor was really positive, but reminded me that it's still early, and that with my kinked tube, there's more of a possibility of a tubal/etopic pregnancy. So we're praying. A lot.

Thinking good thoughts for Monday.

3 weeks pregnant

a better weekend.

This weekend tops last weekend by A TON. First of all, I'm not in bed watching crappy TV. Second, we got to have a great date night last night (complete with a fried mars bar. Which sounds nasty, but was AMAZEBALLS.) Third, I got to see girlfriends today! Girlfriends I haven't seen in a couple of months! So much fun to catch up. And crazy to tell them all of the nutty things we've had going on for the last couple of months.

Unfortunately, one girlfriend told us about her brother in law and his wife who it seems are having TTTC too. It's so hard to hear about others going through the same things because I wish so hard that no one else had to go through this. It sounds like she had a LAP too, and that they have both male and female IF. That has to be rough. Thinking good thoughts for them too, though I've only met them once... let's hope we're both over this hurdle soon.

On a more fun note, we're not all that far from vacation. And I can't wait!!

catching up

I haven't felt like blogging for the past month and a half... so I haven't. But a lot has happened since then.

• still not pregnant
• had my laperoscopy, hysteroscopy, and chromotubation (? dye test) last week
• still recovering (thank you stitches ;P)
• I have endo
• thanks to that bitch, one of my tubes is kinked and couldn't be fixed
• that means I'm down to one tube
• sonofabitch.
• told my parents. couldn't have surgery without telling them. they've been super-supportive, but they didn't have any trouble (like AT ALL) getting pregnant, so I'm currently stomaching all of the "just relax" and "give it time" I can take

That's the highlights.
Ugh. Month 13, Clomid.
C'mon good ovary and tube!! let's make some twins!!

mothers day.

quick recap, since I haven't felt much like posting and have been working like a mad woman the last couple of weeks:

• cycle 10 was a bust
• decided to do no clo*mid in May b/c we wouldn't be in the same city if I o'd early. figured we'd risk it and hope I ovulate late. lots of reasons for that... it was a hard decision

Okay, so today is mothers' day.

I don't know what else to say. Isn't that enough?

For the last few years, I've thought "maybe next year will be my first mothers' day." We put off trying a few times, so it wasn't a disappointment when the next year came and that wasn't the case. But this year? Different story.

And I get to go put on my happy face all day and pretend that I'm not distraught over the fact that this year, it isn't me again.