thankful.

Today, I am thankful for:
The good news we got re: a medical test for Mr. M.
My puppies.
Heating pads. (Cramps BLOW.)

Reality TV and Pregancy?

So in order to write this post, I have to admit that I watch trashy TV. Specifically, Giuli*na and Bill. And it's not like I was bored and clicked around and found it. I totally DVR'd it. I'll wait while you laugh your ass off about that.

Ok, ready? So I'm watching the show, and it turns out they're TTC. So I make a snarky comment to Mr. M that "of course they share that with the whole world on TV, and I'm sure they get knocked up right away because it's so perfect and easy for everyone else. I don't know if I can watch this." But of course I do, because let's get real: it's trashy TV. Not like Jers*y Shore or anything. Which I also watched the other day, but that was because there was a marathon and Per*z Hilton has been talking about someone named "Sn*oky" lately, and I had no idea what was going on. I am most certainly not a follower of trashy pop culture. And I would never subscribe to something like People. (Hey- it's not like US Weekly or something! People is the classy trash magazine!) But I digress...

So I'm watching the show, and they get to the "this season on Giuli*na and Bill..." part. In which I see: vaginal ultrasounds, doctor's offices, the words "we're trying to have a baby and it's not going so well," and see what may or may not be a progesterone shot. Hmmm. Okay, that just earned them some street cred in my book. They probably got some early medical intervention (which we're not at yet, but I'm now counting down the days until my OBGYN appointment... I'm ready to start finding ANSWERS!) but still, that's not "we've tried for three months and must be infertile." Alright. Not that I wish that upon anyone-- I wish it was easy for ALL to get pregnant if they want to, but I can feel for them.

To top it all off, I went back to DVR the series (shut up) and there's an upcoming episode called "Operation Ovulation." Yeah, I think maybe I could watch this show. And honestly, not having seen all this IF stuff yet, and solely based upon the preview, I'm thankful someone is putting it out there. Like somewhere besides Oct*mom or the Discovery Ch*nnel. IF is not freakish. It's a reality. For lots of people.

Side note: I know we may not be considered IF (yet? ever? who knows) but still.

I feel her.

So. In a fit of got-my-period-life-sucks-crying-and-nausea, I needed a pick me up. Mr. M headed off to watch football, and I declined to join him... I'm just kind of a wet blanket today.

To make things better, I figured some time on the couch with an on-demand treat: Julie and Julia. Being a big blog reader, I wanted to see it when it came out, but hadn't ever. And since I was sans-husband, I figured why not. No one to duke it out with over which movie to rent. ;)

And wow. I feel Julie. Though I hear now, she's divorced, just wrote another book, and it's not all like what was in the movie. But I'm there. Bored. Ready for a life change. I thought that would be having children. Turns out you can't just make that one happen. So while we're still working on that goal, I need to figure something else out.

You know that whole work and life can't be bad at once or you're screwed thing I mentioned? Lately, mine has been both. I'm thrilled I have Mr. M on this journey-- I wouldn't make it without him. But now, I need some sort of change. Changing jobs isn't in the cards right now... so that's my new mission: Figure out what to do for some change around here.

Hopes for 2010:

• Get finances in order.
  
• Get healthy. We both have done well this last year, but it's really important we do that.
• Find a passion. Mr. M is lucky enough to know his and be making a career out of it. I need something to be passionate about.
• Become a parent. Mr. M is good about reminding me, even on the dark days, that it's so very important that we keep hope. And I think that's why I need a passion. I was set on my passion being my child. And someday, it will be. But at this very moment, it can't be. And I need something to distract my very impatient self while I wait for that passion to become a reality.

Doing what I do, I really should have SMARTer goals, but I'm good with these. Let's see how it goes...

2010

I was really tempted to write "another one bites the dust," but as I started typing, it popped up as a title I'd previously used. So creative. ;)

So it's a new year. And it's about to be a new cycle. We're entering number 7. Maybe it's lucky #7? Let's hope so! I'm really getting to the point now where I'm tired. I don't know what else we can do. I'm so ready to get to February and my OBGYN appointment, it's not even funny. I'm ready to start getting some answers. I'm keeping my fingers crossed in the mean time....

Here's to a new year. A new start. And hopefully the year we become parents. :)

wonderful weekend

This past weekend was wonderful. We're not making the 9 hour trek to see Mr. M's extended family this year, so all of his siblings came in town last weekend for our immediate family Christmas. We had a great time eating, building gingerbread houses, and watching football. This week almost seems like a wash at work b/c we're so close to Christmas. Can't wait for my break from work and a bit of relaxing!

BTW, it's awesome to be in the 2ww over the holidays b/c you're too preoccupied to focus on it too much. That or hitting the 6-month mark means the 2ww is now a routine...
:)

"life does not put in front of us things that we cannot handle"

I love quotes. Especially that one. Because really, though we all end up going through some SHIT sometimes, we can do it. We just have to have hope that we can do it.

And so. Work is better. Thank the dear lord, because I was about to loose my shit. One of my coworkers said it best earlier this year: "I can handle if personal stuff is bad as long as work is okay, and I can handle work being bad as long as personal stuff is fine. But if they're both bad, it all goes to hell." So, for today, work is okay.

But personal stuff just took another shot to hell. Earlier this year, I had a big health scare and have been left with some residual health problems, but all is okay. Then the unsuccessful TTC, which really, we're only in our 6th month of so I can't really go crazy about that yet. But still a big frickin bummer when you get to Christmas where you thought you'd have a belly and not be drinking and getting gifts of bibs and sleepers and talking about next year being the baby's first Christmas. And you're not pregnant. Blah. And then, this week, we find out that Mr. M has a decently serious medical condition. Oh yeah, and the meds he was prescribed cause temporary IF. So if we want to TTC, he can't take them. So after a long conversation, he decides that he wants to TTC, so now he has to work his ASS off to get healthy without meds.

2009 has sucked. I can't wait for a fresh start in 2010. SERIOUSLY. I.CAN.NOT.WAIT.
BUT. I still need to remember that life does not put in front of us things we cannot handle. WE CAN DO THIS. We WILL do this. And we will be thankful for what we do have. Because living life being all pissed off all the time is no fun. And it will make us stronger. And we WILL have a child someday, however that happens, and we will do what we can to make him healthy, and we will enjoy each and every moment we have, because how blessed we are to be alive and have found each other.

So there.

a whirlwind in bullets

• I love the Christmas season. Like, a LOT. I always look forward to it. Yet, this time around I'm not feeling it.
  
• We've been out of town the last two weekends. It was fun, but exhausting. This time of year, travel is a bitch.
• Especially when the biggest snowstorm of the year hits and you have a 25 minute layover in Denver. That's a recipe for disaster (luckily averted!) and a sprint through the airport.
• I'm so over work right now. I am so SICK of doing the job of two people.
• We're on to month 6. We keep trying to focus on hope, but it's so hard.
• I'm so very thankful for my life. As much as I'm discontent and wishing for a change (job getting better, time to relax, A BABY), we're incredibly blessed. And I'm trying to remind myself of that often... but it's hard.
• Holidays are even harder when you want to be pregnant.
• I want to be happy.
• Usually I'm a big old ball of crafty goodness over the holidays. I'm a cookie baking machine. But this year, don't know if I'll have time.
  
• Our tree has been up since mid november.... and it's still not decorated. oops.
• ugggghhhh.