Month 9

Here we are in month 9. Had we been successful with our first attempts back when we were on our European vacation last summer, we'd be preparing for a new arrival very soon. Instead, we're still trying. And we won't stop any time soon. :)

Last Friday marked more bloodwork. Still waiting to hear those results. Was doing okay, except now our "plan" is complete (testing is done) and we don't have next steps. Have I mentioned I'm a gal with a plan? I don't do well without one. I'm constantly planning everything. This has been one big lesson in "you can't plan everything." However, I'd feel a whole lot better if we had a medical plan for what to test/try next.

In the mean time, I'm trying to do what I can. I've been freaked out to work out the last few months, afraid that I'm going to mess something up. I've decided that until someone tells me that 's the case, I can't use that as an excuse anymore, and I need to be eating healthier and working out. I started back to that tonight. I'm going to try to work out when I get home as often as I can, and am trying to cut way back on meat and dairy and focus on getting my whole grains, fruit and veggies. I've cut out all caffeine, and am trying not to drink alcohol, except during AF (when I KNOW I'm not PG) and when I feel like I need to b/c we're in front of people. I know that last bit is silly, but I can't take the questions.

There's so much emotion charging through my body each month. It's a roller coaster. My dear, sweet friend texted me the other day about a silly inside joke, and I know she was thinking of me and what we're going through. And as it turns out, my two friends that know that have kids also happen to be the ones who got pregnant the first month they tried. For this friend in particular, it was both times they wanted to get pregnant. And her text made me smile. It's so wonderful to know that someone that cares about you is thinking about you. The other friend said the other day that she wished she knew the right words to say to make me feel better. And the truth is, there are no right words. But instead of getting frustrated with my fertile friends, and being jealous, and resenting their happiness, and wishing that I was them, and telling them that they have NO IDEA what I'm going through, I'm choosing to appreciate their support. And to understand that they may not totally get it, but they love me and want to support me. And I think while they don't have a clue what it's like to be in this situation, they do realize how horrible it would be if their children weren't in their lives. I chose very carefully who I wanted to share this with, and I chose these friends for a reason. I trust them. Though they don't get it, they will try. And no matter what, they'll be supportive.

waiting, wishing, and hoping...

10 dpo.

10 dpo. Just couldn't blog yesterday, though I got our test results. Good news= Mr. M rocked it out. I kind of rocked it out. Still waiting to hear back about next steps from my Dr. Busy with work. Thinking I need to keep reducing stress. Have good job opportunities at my fingertips, but timing isn't right... I can't take on the stress of a change and added responsibility at this point. Feeling cramps. Dropping temp. Period is coming. Thankful for my excellent, supportive, loving husband. Thank the good Lord for him daily. Feeling fat. Trying to stay out of doldrums. Need Spring. Need Spring BAD. Blah.

ups and downs

Though I'm in a more relaxed mood about TTC... I keep feeling like I'm not myself. It dawned on me this week that perhaps it's because I feel like I have to hide who I am right now. I've always been the person who is pretty open (not overly so) about my life. It's killing me right now to not be able to tell people what's going on. Every time someone asks "What's new with you?" I bite my tongue. Every time someone asks when we'll be thinking about kids, I brush it off. I've taken to flat-out lying about it, because I don't want anyone to accidentally figure it out. I even mentioned temping... OOPS! the other day, and a friend said "When I hear someone say that, I think here comes a 'surprise!' Just wait..." I insisted it was to avoid, and she repeated herself. I explained I'd been doing it for three years, and no "surprises" yet.

UGH. I feel totally fake. I'm not happy with anything lately. I have a couple of great opportunities that have come up recently at work, and normally I'd be all over them, but with everything we have going on (and a very small pay increase with a large amount of added responsibility) I just don't feel like now is the right time...

I keep hoping that since spring is on the way, I'll feel better when it's here. I'm tired of feeling cold and stuffy and stuck. A change in the weather might make all the difference! I saw a Post*Secret to that effect a couple of weeks ago, and it made all the sense in the world to me. It said "Spring is coming, and we will be alright." A-MEN!

Also on my mind lately is religion... I think something like that could really help me right now. I gave up something for Lent and we've been talking about it more lately... not sure what we'll do or where we're headed with it, but it's been weighing on me lately.

How's that for randomness!

keeping track...

in the interest of keeping track:

• last week Mr M was sick sick sick. By last Saturday (and the start of a Z-pack) he was good to go. He even said "why aren't you sicker??" He was totally a trooper and made it through "sex week" even though he felt like crap.
  
• Sunday came and... I got sick. I spent all week feeling like crap.
  
• Friday came and was officially TEST day! Due to scheduling and early office closing times, we had to go in the middle of the day. For the first time EVER, I didn't cry or freak out about getting bloodwork done. I hate needles, but like I told the nurse, I've never wanted bloodwork more in my life. I got in and out at the Dr. and then ran home to get J and take him for his test. Again, in and out, and back to work. It's totally surreal to go back to work after all of that... on Friday afternoon none the less.
• Both of us are feeling neutral about the tests. We should have answers on Monday... EEK!
• Not feeling very optimistic this cycle. Temping has been all kinds of messed up b/c of illness, bad sleeping patterns, etc. Timing was okay. Not expecting much. I would be SHOCKED if this month is it. I think that's where I'm starting to get to overall... Even though we're actively trying, I would be shocked if it happened. Is that bad? I call it coping...
• Not sure if I mentioned this, but friend who recently announced her pregnancy found out she's having TWINS! Still thrilled for her, but it's a little bitter sweet...

Valentine's Weekend

After the promising doctor's appt. on Friday, we were ready for a great weekend.

Friday afternoon and early evening, I took my mom to have a small surgery and hung out with her until my dad came back from a business trip.

Saturday we installed a ceiling fan first thing in the morning. I know that doesn't sound like fun (and it wasn't) but it's something we've been procrastinating on for quite a while. We spent some time relaxing/working after that, and then went out to dinner for V-day at a local micropub. We like to go nontraditional for Valentine's day, so it was a great fit.

Yesterday, we went to see the movie Valentine's Day. We also finally decided to get a Wii (we're only 3 or so years late, right?) When we tried to stop by Best Buy on Friday night, they said everywhere was out of stock-- apparently there was some issue with Nintendo. Funny enough, just a little digging and I was able to swing by Target to pick up our new gaming system. After the movie, we came home and I cooked a lovely dinner of Mr. M's favorite burgers, potato casserole, and chocolate covered strawberries. Mr. M hooked up the Wii, and we bowled a quick game before Big Love.

The crowning glory? Today is a holiday, so I'm off work! :)

I love days off of work

God bless national holidays. Mr. M is working today, which leaves me home alone. By 9:00, I had:

• cleaned the kitchen
• unloaded, loaded and run the dishwasher
• taken down all of our Valentines day decorations (there were quite a few)
• put up our St. Patty's day decorations
• sewed a pair of Mr. M's pants and a shirt that needed repair
• prepared dinner for tonight and put it in the crock pot

I think, given the chance, I'd be a great SAHW!

so... it's been a while

But since I last posted:

• I've told two friends about our trouble TTC. My sweet, sweet friend had her baby with her, and immediately handed her over. So sweet. :)
  
• I've had a break-down at work, and told my boss. (Before you think I'm nuts, she's a good friend too.) And I'm really glad I did. It feels so much better for someone to know.
• We've had our parents over, and successfully managed to NOT tell them. I was scared to death that one of them would ask (*again*) when it would be time for grandchildren and that I would loose my shit.
  

And most excitingly:

• I went to the Doctor today. It's a new OBGYN, recommended by the previously mentioned boss/friend. She is AWESOME! And as soon as we started talking about how TTC has been going, she was ready to start testing. LOVE that. Could not be more thrilled. (I didn't think I'd ever say that about having to get lots of bloodwork, but I am ALL.OVER.IT.) SO, I have two blood draws and Mr. M has a SA scheduled. I'm just so ready to start getting answers!

SO that's where we're at. I feel hopeful for the first time in several months. The best part about the Dr.s appt was that she wanted to look at my temp charts and was impressed at how much we were already doing (which I'm sure is why she was ready to start testing). What a wonderful, wonderful Valentine's Day gift. (Plus the sweet card and mini chocolate box from DH this morning helped. )

YAY!!!