ups and downs

Though I'm in a more relaxed mood about TTC... I keep feeling like I'm not myself. It dawned on me this week that perhaps it's because I feel like I have to hide who I am right now. I've always been the person who is pretty open (not overly so) about my life. It's killing me right now to not be able to tell people what's going on. Every time someone asks "What's new with you?" I bite my tongue. Every time someone asks when we'll be thinking about kids, I brush it off. I've taken to flat-out lying about it, because I don't want anyone to accidentally figure it out. I even mentioned temping... OOPS! the other day, and a friend said "When I hear someone say that, I think here comes a 'surprise!' Just wait..." I insisted it was to avoid, and she repeated herself. I explained I'd been doing it for three years, and no "surprises" yet.

UGH. I feel totally fake. I'm not happy with anything lately. I have a couple of great opportunities that have come up recently at work, and normally I'd be all over them, but with everything we have going on (and a very small pay increase with a large amount of added responsibility) I just don't feel like now is the right time...

I keep hoping that since spring is on the way, I'll feel better when it's here. I'm tired of feeling cold and stuffy and stuck. A change in the weather might make all the difference! I saw a Post*Secret to that effect a couple of weeks ago, and it made all the sense in the world to me. It said "Spring is coming, and we will be alright." A-MEN!

Also on my mind lately is religion... I think something like that could really help me right now. I gave up something for Lent and we've been talking about it more lately... not sure what we'll do or where we're headed with it, but it's been weighing on me lately.

How's that for randomness!