what a freaking year.

A year ago I was in a bad place.  A dark place.  Finding it hard to see the light.  We were battling IF, we didn't know what we were dealing with.  I was trying to find hope but everywhere I turned things seemed to be falling apart.  Work was changing and sucked.  I felt unappreciated.  Every test was a BFN. My LP was short.  Even when we did everything right, we still couldn't get pregnant.  I shut down.  I didn't want to see people.  I cried at the drop of a hat.  I hope I never go back there again.

Jump to this NYE.  We are SO blessed.  Close to 27 weeks pregnant with twins.  A boy and a girl.  All that we could ever ask for.  A marriage that is STRONGER because of the trials we faced.  A husband I appreciate more and forgive any flaws because he is so strong and amazing and I would have fallen off the cliff if it wasn't for him this last year.  And not just through the IF- through all of that, my surgery, and now all the ups, downs, cravings, aches, worries-- you name it.  He's there.  Being kind and caring, supporting me; supporting each other.  And I know it's going to get harder before it gets better.  But MAN am I lucky.  With friends and family supporting us.  Could. Not. Be. More. Blessed.

So, may 2011 bring healthy babies, sleep by July, and may the challenges and stress once again bring us closer.  Here's to the coming best year so far!

26 weeks

What a week!  The contractions continued-- some days they'd happen a lot, and some days I would just get one.  Either way, they were freaking us out, as we were still deciding what we were going to do about traveling to see Mr. M's extended family for Christmas.  I called the office on Tuesday morning and was able to get them to work me in to just be checked since I had to come in for my GD test anyway on Wednesday.  I went in for the appointment, got my blood drawn, spent 20 minutes on the monitor (but not on babies-- they only have a singleton monitor) where I had no contractions, and got an internal check, where they assured me everything was fine.  I'm not crying wolf, I swear!  They were all really sweet about it-- I think a 10 hour drive makes sense to get checked out before. 

With that we decided to go ahead and drive.  After work on the 23rd (thank goodness I was working at home!) we packed, ran over to my parents' for an abbreviated Christmas celebration (bummer!) and left by 8:30 to get a start on the drive.  We stopped around 11, stayed in a hotel, and finished the drive on the 24th.  We had a great time with Mr. M's family, and they threw us a beautiful shower!  We are so very blessed to have such caring, kind and generous family and friends.

Overall, babies did well with the trip.  I had some contractions- more when I was pushing it, but I was able to sit/lay down when I needed to which was wonderful.  I did end up with some major swelling when I did too much on Christmas day, but I've gotten it under better control.  I finally am getting more kicks from B (yay!) but both babies made it hard to have my MIL and SILs feel them.  My MIL did get a kick, and from A, and one of my SILs was able to feel an elbow (or knee? we think?) near my belly button. :) It's amazing how much bigger they're getting.

Merry Christmas, sweet babies!  Can't wait to celebrate with you on the outside next year :)

23 weeks

One week to viability!  Babies, don't get any ideas.  You'd better stay put for a good 13 weeks, if not more. :)

This week was a busy one, and we finally accomplished several things:

• Finished our registries! I still need to figure out the whole monitor situation, but feeling pretty good about that
• Got cribs that weren't broken! WOOT!
• Put the cribs together.  Well, Mr. M did that, but we have cribs!
• Found material that will work for the curtains. in the form of clearance shower curtains from Target! :)  Now I need blackout fabric and to get to sewing... that may not happen until after Christmas
• Got the bookshelf for the nursery from my parents' house.
• Got more clothes for FREE with Kohls cash and a coupon. I think we're pretty set when it comes to clothes, since I bet we'll get some at our showers and after they're born as well
• Registered for a breastfeeding and childbirth class after people at work convinced me we needed to do that

We also have lots coming up.  Our next appointment is Friday and I CANNOT WAIT!  We've been with the NP the last two times, and I'm ready to see our Dr. again.  That also means I can schedule the rest of our appointments, which will be wonderful.   Next week also starts a mad rush of holiday craziness.  Thank goodness the decorating is done, and Mr. M will put up the lights on TuesdayLuckily this weekend was pretty chill, and next weekend is free too, but this week and next I have busy weeks at work (including an interview...!) and the holidays are going to sneak up on us fast.  I haven't even done my holiday shopping yet! (Due in part to slacker family members who need to send their lists)  Starting in January, I'm going on lockdown.  I'm doing NOTHING.  Today a quick run to Kohl's and the grocery store for the basics was too much for me.  I wear down so easily now.  And it's critical that I relax-- these babies don't need any stress, and my body has to hold out for quite a while longer.  The good news is that last night when I was super worn out (from doing very little) I took my blood pressure, worried about what was going on and it was 102/50.  I can handle that!  Fingers crossed that Friday is a good appointment!

22!

So minus the crib fiasco this past week, things are the same. Working, stress from job change, prepping for babies!  This week also had the Thanksgiving and black friday craziness added to it, but also brought a nice break as we had several days off work.


Let's talk about the cribs... took us forever to pick them, then forever to order them, and they finally showed up on Tuesday.  Mr. M planned to set them up this weekend.  When they showed up, the brought the boxes in the nursery, and while they were kind of dinged up, we didn't notice much.  I went in on Wednesday to look at something else and noticed big gashes on the boxes on the sides facing each other.  One gash was in the shape of a V, so I peeled back that cardboard (box still closed, mind you) and could see a crib rail completely smashed. :(  Two long, annoying calls to BRU later and dealing with majorly incompetent people who lack the ability to offer good customer service, and a call to UPS to schedule the pickup, we thought we had it taken care of.   UPS said to expect pickup on Friday, and BRU said the cribs were on the way.  So Mr. M hauled them back out to the porch again Friday and off we went to shop.  By 5:30, they were still there.  So I called UPS.  Turns out that they got mixed up when I talked to them about their holiday schedule, and now they won't pick them up until Monday. UGH.  Oh, and add to that that nothing has happened with the status of the new cribs ALL WEEKEND LONG.  If these have so much as a dent, I'm demanding a refund+ some kind of credit and ordering from Amazon, who we should have ordered from in the first place.

On the bright side however, we got a Flip and a DSLR on black friday deals, and didn't have to go to the store! Thank you Best Buy online!  We woke up at our leisure that morning and headed out, where we proceeded to buy crazy amounts of baby clothes. :) YAY! So fun!

Thanksgiving was great with my family.  We also got our tree up and all of the inside decorating done!

Really excited that we're getting closer to our next appt on the 10th, and 24 weeks (viability!).

thankful

on this Thanksgiving (and every day, really) I am thankful for:

• an amazing supportive husband who loves and supports me
• these amazing little blessings we've been entrusted with
• when those little blessings kick and let me know they're doing okay 
• that those little blessings are healthy, and for every doctor's appointment where they tell us that again
• a home that is safe, warm, and comfy
• jobs that pay the bills
• that my husband has found his passion and is so darn good at it
• family that is so supportive and generous and already loves our little girl and boy (even if they don't know that they're a girl and boy yet!)
• great friends
• and so much more....

19 weeks.

This week babies are 6" long and the size of a large tomato.  No freakin way.   I think everything has been a big blur for the last month or so.  I'm very aware that I'm pregnant, what with the shooting back pain, pulled muscle in my inner thigh, and pelvic bone that feels like someone took a hammer to it, but I think we might be in the denial stage of things.

That said, we have made great strides... we picked out cribs and mattresses and pretty much figured out where everything will go in the nursery.  I busted my rear this morning to finish cleaning out the nursery, and my mom is going to help me steam clean the carpet next weekend.  After our u/s tomorrow (where we most importantly hopefully see healthy and happy babies, and maybe even confirm that B is a boy and find out what A is) we'll order furniture for the room.  Mr. M has plans to paint the closet doors over Thanksgiving, and then we should be ready to rock and roll.  There are lots of details left, but that will at least give us the essentials. :)

As usual, I'm a bit nervous about our u/s tomorrow.  It will be great to get to see them, but I'm nervous that we'll be rushed through like last time (where we didn't get our full hour and all the measurements).  I'm getting my full time come hell or high water tomorrow!  I'm also nervous because I have a work trip coming up, and I'm really not sure it's in my or the babies best interest to take 3-hour flights and work 12 hour days to come back to a hotel, let alone haul luggage, etc.  We'll see how tomorrow goes and I'll let the Dr. know what's been going on so we can make the best decision.  The only thing that really matters tomorrow is seeing healthy little babies growing on track. If that's happening, I'm a happy mama!

I've been feeling more fetal movement lately-- in fact both babies are kicking away as I type this right now.  So amazing.  You still can't feel them on the outside, but I'm hoping that happens soon so Mr. M can enjoy this too. I'm sure in lots of ways it's great to be the guy in this situation (see all of the pain mentioned above) but I also think it would suck.  It's such a miracle to have these little lives growing inside of me.  I just love them so much already.  SO very thankful for this blessing!!

My next mental milestone (6 weeks was one, then 12, then 14, then 16... don't ask me why... those are just the "benchmarks" I had in my head) is 20 weeks, soon followed by 24.  I really think I'll feel like I can breathe easier at 24, knowing we've made it to viability.  After that, 36.  I would love to keep these babies in until 38 (as long as the doctor will let me go) but I think 36 marks my "not scary anymore" time.  We want to do anything we can to make that happen.

Lots of stress in our household these last few weeks, and more to come.  We're hoping tomorrow is a happy note that helps wash away some of the stress, and then we're on a mission to make it until Thanksgiving.

10 weeks.

Double digits, baby!  And Labor Day weekend. That's a winning combo!

The weekend got off to a good start, as we told my parents.  We wanted to wait to tell both sets of parents together, but decided to tell mine a little early since:

1. They know about our IF struggles, so they are easily tipped off
2. I swear my mom was starting to really worry and think I was clinically depressed, since every time I talked to her and she asked how I was doing, I told her I was tired and not feeling very well
3. We had plans to spend all day Saturday with them at two sporting events.  The frequent eating, food not sounding good, and bathroom breaks would have tipped them off for sure.

SO, we decided rather than them guess, we would tell them.  And of course, they were thrilled.  My mom said she had known since last weekend because "you looked really happy at lunch."  Okay mom. :) They were funny too as they went through the stages of shock-- the same we did:  first it was "TWINS? Oh my gosh. Wow. Twins!"  Then it moved to "it will be okay.  It will all be fine.  You guys will figure it out."  Then it was finally excitement.  All day yesterday, my mom was wanting to talk about it.  It's killing her that she can't tell anyone.  Especially because my sister was home and with us all day yesterday. :) So cute.  I just kept saying "wait two more weeks and you can talk to whoever you want about it!"

A fun twist too-- when we told them, my mom mentioned that twins run in her family! That's the first I've heard of it!!  She said it crossed her mind when she got pregnant, but since she didn't have them, she never thought one of us would.  I'm relieved to be able to truthfully tell people that they run in my family-- that ought to curb some questions about what we went through to get pregnant, since that's not something I'm ready to share with everyone.  She called my grandpa today (and SWORE he had no idea and that she was totally natural in the conversation... RIGHT.) and confirmed that it's legit-- my great grandma's sisters had fraternal twins.  So there you go.  A surprise a minute, right?

I'm still having nausea and aversions/cravings.  Mr. M is picking up a hot roast beef for me right now.  I thought things were getting better earlier this week, but they're back in full swing.  I'm eating plenty of carbs/dairy and usually enough eggs. I typically fit meat in at dinner and try to at lunch as well.  Still totally grossed out by most veggies. That's not good, I know.  I"m trying.  And hoping that the second trimester brings energy and curbs the aversions to healthy food. :)

mothers day.

quick recap, since I haven't felt much like posting and have been working like a mad woman the last couple of weeks:

• cycle 10 was a bust
• decided to do no clo*mid in May b/c we wouldn't be in the same city if I o'd early. figured we'd risk it and hope I ovulate late. lots of reasons for that... it was a hard decision

Okay, so today is mothers' day.

I don't know what else to say. Isn't that enough?

For the last few years, I've thought "maybe next year will be my first mothers' day." We put off trying a few times, so it wasn't a disappointment when the next year came and that wasn't the case. But this year? Different story.

And I get to go put on my happy face all day and pretend that I'm not distraught over the fact that this year, it isn't me again.

baby, you're amazing.

So, yesterday was CD1. A disappointing day, at best, most months. But I actually held it together yesterday. I don't know if it's the next test coming up giving me hope, or what, but I'm trying to think on the bright side. Well, that and the dropping temps and cramps for the last week tipped me off. :)

I think what really helped is that yesterday was when we decided to celebrate my upcoming birthday. It's the big 2-8. Normally birthdays don't phase me. Heck, half the time, I can't even remember how old I am. But that is my "have babies" age. I know that's silly. For some reason (I'm a planner) in my head, 25 was always my "get married" age (actually got married at 24) and 28 sounded perfect to start a family... and we have 4 more months to make that a reality. Yikes. It's not that I'm stuck on that age, it's just another one of those milestones that make you think "hmmm... how much longer is this going to take!" Kind of like hitting month 10 and thinking "if things had worked on the first try, we could be having a kid any minute." I'm trying not to dwell on these things, and I'm sure everyone else (who hasn't been through this) thinks it's a lot of negative thinking, but you can't help but notice those milestones.

So- with all of that, why did yesterday help? I had an AMAZING romantic dinner with my husband, and then a decadent dessert at a chocolate bar. And it was nice to just go out on the town and have some fun. Just the two of us. And the 8-hr tyl*enol and couple glasses of wine didn't hurt either. My husband is AWESOME. :)

Today is also Easter. And it's making me also think of my trip to Target on Friday, seeing lots of moms pick up Easter basket goodies for their kids. And hoping that next year, I'm doing the same thing.

hmmm...

I was starting to think I'd gotten into a routine with this TTC thing... be depressed early in the month, chill out for a couple of weeks, try to baby make/scrutinize OPKs/freak out about taking my temp too early/late, chill for a few more days, try not to start googling symptoms, try not to test, AF shows up.

This month, I'm thrown for a loop. All of my bloodwork has come back okay, except for the slightly low progesterone. Which is making me wonder about the OPKs... when I called and talked to the nurse after that result, she asked if I had gotten my period yet? (no) Had I gotten positive OPKs (yes). Did I need medicine to make me have periods (no). Did I get breakthrough bleeding or spotting (no). Hmmmmokay.... So now, I'm at CD18, at which point I'm usually getting close to positive OPKs, and nothing. BUT, I had a temp spike today. It could be random, but I'm way thrown off.

Oh, and did I mention I had spotting the other day? What is that about? Can low progesterone be a self-fulfilling prophecy? To my body, I say: W.T.F.

And to make matters even better, the whole two-day depression thing has been a little longer this month and has come in random spurts. I will cry at the drop of a hat. The Train song Soul Sister has me in tears every time I hear it. I have no idea why. Last night I told Mr. M that I feel like my heart is broken. And I really meant it. I'm a freaking wreck. Magnify that by the fact that almost no one (ESPECIALLY my family) has any clue what's going on, so I have to be all happy and cheery and "oh, everything is great. I'm not trying really hard right now to not bite your head off/start sobbing." Which just makes things worse.



I'm trying to focus on other things... but that's hard. Even looking at other people's baby pictures on facebook has me upset-- that never used to happen. I'm scared this is the beginning of the bitter/can't talk about kids/no longer relate to friends with children IF stuff. And I SOOOO do not want to go there. I'm trying really hard not to.

Next step: HSG. I was a day to late when I heard back from the doctor this month, so this month we have nothing, but come early April, at least there's a next step. I cannot wait to get to the bottom of this, but I'm still scared of what we might find. And the funny thing is that I'm not scared of getting shots in my ass or drug side-effects; I'm worried about the cost.

In other news:
We spent last weekend out of town with my siblings-in-law celebrating St. Patrick's Day. Had a great time. Got drunk. (something I haven't done in quite a while) Had a crazy week.

Trying to work out more, eat healthier, cut down on meat and dairy. Hope that makes me feel less sluggish, and maybe loose a few pounds too. Before we started TTC, I lost about 20 pounds... and I've managed to gain it all back. Yikes. My summer clothes are NOT going to fit unless I do something drastic...

Still so very, VERY thankful for my wonderful husband who is with me through the highs and lows, loves me unconditionally, and is just the most perfect wonderful person I could have ever found to spend my life with. Here's to hoping that soon we'll be able to move on to the next phase of our lives...with kiddos.

Valentine's Weekend

After the promising doctor's appt. on Friday, we were ready for a great weekend.

Friday afternoon and early evening, I took my mom to have a small surgery and hung out with her until my dad came back from a business trip.

Saturday we installed a ceiling fan first thing in the morning. I know that doesn't sound like fun (and it wasn't) but it's something we've been procrastinating on for quite a while. We spent some time relaxing/working after that, and then went out to dinner for V-day at a local micropub. We like to go nontraditional for Valentine's day, so it was a great fit.

Yesterday, we went to see the movie Valentine's Day. We also finally decided to get a Wii (we're only 3 or so years late, right?) When we tried to stop by Best Buy on Friday night, they said everywhere was out of stock-- apparently there was some issue with Nintendo. Funny enough, just a little digging and I was able to swing by Target to pick up our new gaming system. After the movie, we came home and I cooked a lovely dinner of Mr. M's favorite burgers, potato casserole, and chocolate covered strawberries. Mr. M hooked up the Wii, and we bowled a quick game before Big Love.

The crowning glory? Today is a holiday, so I'm off work! :)

I love days off of work

God bless national holidays. Mr. M is working today, which leaves me home alone. By 9:00, I had:

• cleaned the kitchen
• unloaded, loaded and run the dishwasher
• taken down all of our Valentines day decorations (there were quite a few)
• put up our St. Patty's day decorations
• sewed a pair of Mr. M's pants and a shirt that needed repair
• prepared dinner for tonight and put it in the crock pot

I think, given the chance, I'd be a great SAHW!

so... it's been a while

But since I last posted:

• I've told two friends about our trouble TTC. My sweet, sweet friend had her baby with her, and immediately handed her over. So sweet. :)
  
• I've had a break-down at work, and told my boss. (Before you think I'm nuts, she's a good friend too.) And I'm really glad I did. It feels so much better for someone to know.
• We've had our parents over, and successfully managed to NOT tell them. I was scared to death that one of them would ask (*again*) when it would be time for grandchildren and that I would loose my shit.
  

And most excitingly:

• I went to the Doctor today. It's a new OBGYN, recommended by the previously mentioned boss/friend. She is AWESOME! And as soon as we started talking about how TTC has been going, she was ready to start testing. LOVE that. Could not be more thrilled. (I didn't think I'd ever say that about having to get lots of bloodwork, but I am ALL.OVER.IT.) SO, I have two blood draws and Mr. M has a SA scheduled. I'm just so ready to start getting answers!

SO that's where we're at. I feel hopeful for the first time in several months. The best part about the Dr.s appt was that she wanted to look at my temp charts and was impressed at how much we were already doing (which I'm sure is why she was ready to start testing). What a wonderful, wonderful Valentine's Day gift. (Plus the sweet card and mini chocolate box from DH this morning helped. )

YAY!!!

wonderful weekend

This past weekend was wonderful. We're not making the 9 hour trek to see Mr. M's extended family this year, so all of his siblings came in town last weekend for our immediate family Christmas. We had a great time eating, building gingerbread houses, and watching football. This week almost seems like a wash at work b/c we're so close to Christmas. Can't wait for my break from work and a bit of relaxing!

BTW, it's awesome to be in the 2ww over the holidays b/c you're too preoccupied to focus on it too much. That or hitting the 6-month mark means the 2ww is now a routine...
:)

I do NOT respect the Turkey

I've always been one to want to decorate for Christmas ASAP. Halloween is over? Let's break out the stockings! Usually I restrain myself long enough to make it through Thanksgiving... but only for Mr. MMM's sake.

This year, however we're mixing it up, and heading out of town for the full holiday weekend. To make things even more complex, we're booked every weekend through December. So last weekend, while Mr. MMM was at a football game, I busted out the decorations. The only things left are putting ornaments on the tree and the lights outside.

CHRISTMAS HERE WE COME!!