hmmm...

I was starting to think I'd gotten into a routine with this TTC thing... be depressed early in the month, chill out for a couple of weeks, try to baby make/scrutinize OPKs/freak out about taking my temp too early/late, chill for a few more days, try not to start googling symptoms, try not to test, AF shows up.

This month, I'm thrown for a loop. All of my bloodwork has come back okay, except for the slightly low progesterone. Which is making me wonder about the OPKs... when I called and talked to the nurse after that result, she asked if I had gotten my period yet? (no) Had I gotten positive OPKs (yes). Did I need medicine to make me have periods (no). Did I get breakthrough bleeding or spotting (no). Hmmmmokay.... So now, I'm at CD18, at which point I'm usually getting close to positive OPKs, and nothing. BUT, I had a temp spike today. It could be random, but I'm way thrown off.

Oh, and did I mention I had spotting the other day? What is that about? Can low progesterone be a self-fulfilling prophecy? To my body, I say: W.T.F.

And to make matters even better, the whole two-day depression thing has been a little longer this month and has come in random spurts. I will cry at the drop of a hat. The Train song Soul Sister has me in tears every time I hear it. I have no idea why. Last night I told Mr. M that I feel like my heart is broken. And I really meant it. I'm a freaking wreck. Magnify that by the fact that almost no one (ESPECIALLY my family) has any clue what's going on, so I have to be all happy and cheery and "oh, everything is great. I'm not trying really hard right now to not bite your head off/start sobbing." Which just makes things worse.



I'm trying to focus on other things... but that's hard. Even looking at other people's baby pictures on facebook has me upset-- that never used to happen. I'm scared this is the beginning of the bitter/can't talk about kids/no longer relate to friends with children IF stuff. And I SOOOO do not want to go there. I'm trying really hard not to.

Next step: HSG. I was a day to late when I heard back from the doctor this month, so this month we have nothing, but come early April, at least there's a next step. I cannot wait to get to the bottom of this, but I'm still scared of what we might find. And the funny thing is that I'm not scared of getting shots in my ass or drug side-effects; I'm worried about the cost.

In other news:
We spent last weekend out of town with my siblings-in-law celebrating St. Patrick's Day. Had a great time. Got drunk. (something I haven't done in quite a while) Had a crazy week.

Trying to work out more, eat healthier, cut down on meat and dairy. Hope that makes me feel less sluggish, and maybe loose a few pounds too. Before we started TTC, I lost about 20 pounds... and I've managed to gain it all back. Yikes. My summer clothes are NOT going to fit unless I do something drastic...

Still so very, VERY thankful for my wonderful husband who is with me through the highs and lows, loves me unconditionally, and is just the most perfect wonderful person I could have ever found to spend my life with. Here's to hoping that soon we'll be able to move on to the next phase of our lives...with kiddos.